So today has been absolutely no different then the rest of my days, all in and out in a blur. I worked. At a bagel. Couldn't purge, got pissed. At some gardetos and soup - purged, mostly acid. Pissed again. My friend came over, she brought tacos, I had meat. Really pissed - purged, throat burns, nose burns. I'm tired. I feel short of words. I feel hopeless, again.
I feel like writing but I feel void of words. I just want to type, to feel the tips of my fingers brush the keys in hopes of expression. Something, anything. Hopeless. Lost. Sad. Tired. Confused. Alone.
I need a new game plan. I have decided that I'm going to stop this fucking bulimia shit once and for all. (Pardon my language) I'm sick of it. So I'm going back to ana since I can't recover this is better. I don't have therapy this week, won't my therapist be surprised. I wonder if I will tell her. We don't really talk about my ED anymore. Doesn't that seem strange? Maybe she thinks I'm better because I'm a fucking whale... Even my bf notices I've gained, he says he has put on weight too but its different. I'm not allowed to. My dad has been making comments, so has another guy at work, and a customer this morning. It's all in "good humor" (bullshit) but I'm getting the picture. I don't have a scale but I must be 125 now... fuck. I can feel the fat. It's gross.
I've got a lot of homework for this weekend. I'm gonna fast until it is done. It shouldn't be too hard, I'm so freaking depressed I don't want to eat anyway and the only reason I have been is for show. Well fuck that I'm tired and purging isn't working because I don't have it in me anymore.
--
-
--
Ugh... I am so stressed. :( I think I will weigh myself at my mom's house tomorrow. I'll probably cry. But at least it will kick my ass into gear...somewhat. What really sucks is I'm fat. and... I'm still perpetually cold, and dizzy, and my vision blurs, and I get light headed, and my hair falls out, and my nails are blue but... IM FAT!!! This is what years of ED does to you, even when you are "healthy" you are not.
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stay strong, I'm not :(
* autumn
ps. sorry for cursing, I don't usually I'm just terribly pesimistic at this point.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
12.03.09
Haven' written in awhile. I moved into my new apartment with my boyfriend about a month ago and I just recently discovered I could tap into my neighbors internet :) I love the apartment, I love the town, I love my bf, I love my new puppy, and I love my kitty...but I am still unfortunately utterly and inescapably miserable in all aspects of my life.
I'm fat. Not a big surprise. Things have gotten much worse since we moved in. The first two weeks I kinda just stopped eating without realizing it and then my therapist said something, she said I looked terrible...grey...and she was worried about me. She asked me if I lost weight...the sad thing is I don't even know if I actually did, I still don't have a scale. As you can imagine this is driving me insane!!!!
So I was talking to my coke-head neighbors today and they said they were having problems with fruit flies, and I am too, as well as my other 2 neighbors...and she said it started about a month ago. i.e. when I moved in. Which makes me nervous that my --unmentionables-- are being caught in the drain. So I'm thinking about putting drano down it but I don't think you are suppose to do that to the toilet, the problem is...it's not like I can just stop ya know.
So I took a depression test and it said that I have Major Depressive Disorder...so I think I may start medication. I don't really want to but I feel like maybe it will help me stop b/p because that is happening fairly frequently now a days. :(
I don't know how to explain how I feel right now, I feel numb but sad. Like I want to break down and cry yet pound the walls and scream on the top of my lungs...yet, nothing is still all I feel. I've never thought of death before but now I am. Not suicide but just pondering death. That is strange. I feel so broken. Hopeless. Unmistakably unfixable. I've stopped have sex. It hasn't became an issue yet with the bf because he is working so much he just crashes when he is home and we work opposite shifts yet, eventually he will notice. I tried at first, because we should be happy we finally have our own place but he pushed me away. I think that triggered me bad. A simple unspoken push and it pushed me to the edge. I took my anxiety medication tonight, I haven't had to do that in a long while...but I feel on the verge of constant panic. I try to tell myself not to think about it but that makes it worse. I still didn't take it even then but I began shaking...bad shaking, uncontrollable I couldn't even take a drink and then I saw my neighbors all doped up. They were both passing out on eachother and it disgusted me but it made me crave that peace...even brief. I'm not sleeping again. But I'm exhausted. I feel so fat right now. I feel fatter than I have ever been in my life. It is making me so miserable, I feel so utterly hopeless and I feel like my excuses run thin, they have been used too often and I can't escape the inevatable curse of "needing" to feed.
I feel so dead inside. I know that is terribly morbid but...
Also I have recently become more aware of persons interactions with me, I work in a terribly sexist enviornment and now what I see, tears pieces of me. My bf said he doesn't like it when I talk to him or ask him questions anymore because I'm an "intellecutal" which really means, I don't care. and I don't want to hear it. and you do not have a valued opinion. I don't know, maybe I'm exaggerating, but maybe not. Is that not what all women do for the men that hurt them, find a way to excuse the pain.
Whatever.
Honestly, I don't care. I just see it. It bothers me, I wish I didn't see it.
Hopefully I will be able to continue writing again now,
Thanks for listening.
------
------
------
saddness creeps over like the shadow eclispe that swallows the sky.
you gasp for air,
one satisfying breath,
its bitterness stains your tounge.
The lonliness of your simple numbing aroma surrounds your dulling mind
and you are left speechless in its hollow silent darkness.
I'm fat. Not a big surprise. Things have gotten much worse since we moved in. The first two weeks I kinda just stopped eating without realizing it and then my therapist said something, she said I looked terrible...grey...and she was worried about me. She asked me if I lost weight...the sad thing is I don't even know if I actually did, I still don't have a scale. As you can imagine this is driving me insane!!!!
So I was talking to my coke-head neighbors today and they said they were having problems with fruit flies, and I am too, as well as my other 2 neighbors...and she said it started about a month ago. i.e. when I moved in. Which makes me nervous that my --unmentionables-- are being caught in the drain. So I'm thinking about putting drano down it but I don't think you are suppose to do that to the toilet, the problem is...it's not like I can just stop ya know.
So I took a depression test and it said that I have Major Depressive Disorder...so I think I may start medication. I don't really want to but I feel like maybe it will help me stop b/p because that is happening fairly frequently now a days. :(
I don't know how to explain how I feel right now, I feel numb but sad. Like I want to break down and cry yet pound the walls and scream on the top of my lungs...yet, nothing is still all I feel. I've never thought of death before but now I am. Not suicide but just pondering death. That is strange. I feel so broken. Hopeless. Unmistakably unfixable. I've stopped have sex. It hasn't became an issue yet with the bf because he is working so much he just crashes when he is home and we work opposite shifts yet, eventually he will notice. I tried at first, because we should be happy we finally have our own place but he pushed me away. I think that triggered me bad. A simple unspoken push and it pushed me to the edge. I took my anxiety medication tonight, I haven't had to do that in a long while...but I feel on the verge of constant panic. I try to tell myself not to think about it but that makes it worse. I still didn't take it even then but I began shaking...bad shaking, uncontrollable I couldn't even take a drink and then I saw my neighbors all doped up. They were both passing out on eachother and it disgusted me but it made me crave that peace...even brief. I'm not sleeping again. But I'm exhausted. I feel so fat right now. I feel fatter than I have ever been in my life. It is making me so miserable, I feel so utterly hopeless and I feel like my excuses run thin, they have been used too often and I can't escape the inevatable curse of "needing" to feed.
I feel so dead inside. I know that is terribly morbid but...
Also I have recently become more aware of persons interactions with me, I work in a terribly sexist enviornment and now what I see, tears pieces of me. My bf said he doesn't like it when I talk to him or ask him questions anymore because I'm an "intellecutal" which really means, I don't care. and I don't want to hear it. and you do not have a valued opinion. I don't know, maybe I'm exaggerating, but maybe not. Is that not what all women do for the men that hurt them, find a way to excuse the pain.
Whatever.
Honestly, I don't care. I just see it. It bothers me, I wish I didn't see it.
Hopefully I will be able to continue writing again now,
Thanks for listening.
------
------
------
saddness creeps over like the shadow eclispe that swallows the sky.
you gasp for air,
one satisfying breath,
its bitterness stains your tounge.
The lonliness of your simple numbing aroma surrounds your dulling mind
and you are left speechless in its hollow silent darkness.
Monday, October 19, 2009
10.19.09
Okiedokie so I know I have not wrote in awhile... honestly, its because I'm so embarrassed. My behavior has been so outlandish but I must say I have thought of this blog obsessively everyday, wanting to say something but lacking the courage to do so...
My bulimia has spiraled even further out of control, I actually contemplated returning to treatment... I talked to the bf about it and he kinda blew it off and asked if I could wait like a month until after we are all moved in. I said okay but I thought to myself, holy shit I hope I'm not dead... I know that is scary but I have been throwing up at least once a day in combination with starvation, exercise, and laxatives for over 6 years and feel like my body may be crapping out on me. Anyway I'm up to over 4 times a day of b/p right now, not my worst but still it's killing me and OMG I have put on so much weight from it I can tell... The bf says I'm crazy and I look the same but I don't and I swear i gained it all in my a**and stomach :(
So the bf and I are suppose to officially move out on November 1st. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. Mostly because theres this guy that lives below us, he's one of my bf's best friends and he works with him... anyway heres the deal he's like 6'3 and weighs about as much as me! I swear he is so skinny I have never seen a guy this thin before, not even a girl in person... so of course I am constantly googly eye-ing him bc I freakin idolize him bc I have a sick mind. But I swear, omg he's soooo skinny and I can't help it. So I'm afraid I'm going to go crazy living there, worse than now lol because he obviously has a problem, we hangout all the time, and anyway he def has a severe problem and I want that problem back! ughhhh!
Anyway so today I received a wonderful little comment on one of my blogs (they are sent to my phone) and it really kinda kicked my butt into gear. I don't see the comment so I'm not sure if I accidentally rejected it but it said:
"x.Beauty.is.Pain.x
I hate knowing that other people know I'm purging too, but I'd be more upset letting it all sink in, and I can't not do it.hah. I did it four times this weekend, and theres no way it went unnoticed
Thats great that your bf is so sweet! :) I just finished reading all of your posts, and not to come off creepy, but you sound like a really awesome person! Stay strong! :)"
Beauty is Pain:
I apologize if you did not want that comment posted up but I want to thank you for taking the time to even read my blog! I understand and totally relate to the purging the trick is stopping! I hope you are having a better day and thank you for brightening my day! :) o and btw, its totally not creepy at all I read total blogs all the time and sometimes I feel like a stalker lol <3 style="font-weight: bold;">strawberry shortcake:
I must say I'm a little nervous contacting someone, I don't know what to say... I'm so paranoid all the time now ya know... I'm seeing a counselor on Sundays but she doesn't specialize in eating disorders (i did this on purpose) and I keep refusing to go to a person who does, begin treatment, or even acknowledge the abuse I am suppose to. I'm afraid ya know... I feel like emailing someone would be really beneficial but I just feel really lost and don't even know what to say... thank you for supporting me sweetie!!! I hope everything has been going well for you, I haven't had a chance to read the blogs I have missed out on these past couple weeks :( stay strong! <3 style="font-weight: bold;">throughtheraindrops:
I love love love your advice and I can totally relate to being basically knocked out for days... thats the hell of bulimia for sure. When I wake up I feel like I have been hit with a brick in the head and I am completely disoriented. I really wish I could scare myself into stopping... like for example last time I wrote I had begun puking blood every time I was purging which scared me for like 3 hours until I did it again... just so you know the bleeding has resolved itself but as you know, I am still b/p-ing like crazy :( Thank you so much for the advice, when I received this comment it got me through a day and as I'm sure you know, making it through one day is a miracle! much love! <3 style="font-weight: bold;">Claire:
Thank you!!!! How did your water fast go? Depending on how today goes if you would like to do one together, or rather anyone!!!, I would love to. Thanks for the comment girl and I hope everything goes 'swimmingly!' :)
---------------
k, so later tonight I will post an update to see how my day went and whether or not I feel like I can manage a fast and even if I can't I would still like to pretend I can lol so, would anyone like to fast with me???
staystrong!
<3 autumn
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UPDATE: okay so my night kinda sucked, it was pretty typical, lots of binging and purging. the worst part of all of this is that my body is so tired of purging that it is gripping onto the food, I can't get everything up and pure acid is tearing my throat apart which makes it extremely difficult to trigger the release... idk what to do... I'm so sick of this and I realized that tonight I did everything out of habit rather than overwhelming loss of control. As bad as this sounds I am very much relieved to know this because now I know that I have moved over to habitual rather than uncontrollable. This means, I might be able to control it again. I'm planning on loosing 10 pounds within the next 2 to 3 weeks and then 10 more after I move in to my new place and then, maybe, I'll be happy. Also, I need a scale that works still but I have become pretty good at judging my weight from the way my pants fit and look...
So tomorrow I figure I'm going to start my new restriction plan, normally I like to do fasts for penance but I'm not going to torture my wilted bulimic soul until she is ready. Also I think I may begin to have some sort of breakfast in the morn bc then I don't have to eat lunch (my 3:00 binge! ugh) so heres the plan thus far:
Breakfast: 1 mini bagel - 100 cals
Large black coffee - 0 cals
Snack: G2 purple Gatorade - 0 cals
1 Glucose tablet - 5 cals
Lunch: 1 can Chicken Noodle Soup, Campbells - 150 cals
Large black coffee - 0 cals
Snack: G2 purple Gatorade - 0 cals
1 Glucose tablet if necessary (its bad to take these frequently but they work) - 5 cals
Dinner: Raw salad with steamed vegetables, no dressing - 200 cals
Diet Coke - 0 cals
Snack: Tea - 0 cals
TOTALS: 100+0+0+5+150+0+0+5+200+0+0 = 460 cals
This shouldn't be too bad and I have a constant intake and at least I won't be hungry I suppose. Also I would like to start adding my exercise back into my plan but I really have to be secret about it...
hope everyone had a wonderful night!
<3 autumn
My bulimia has spiraled even further out of control, I actually contemplated returning to treatment... I talked to the bf about it and he kinda blew it off and asked if I could wait like a month until after we are all moved in. I said okay but I thought to myself, holy shit I hope I'm not dead... I know that is scary but I have been throwing up at least once a day in combination with starvation, exercise, and laxatives for over 6 years and feel like my body may be crapping out on me. Anyway I'm up to over 4 times a day of b/p right now, not my worst but still it's killing me and OMG I have put on so much weight from it I can tell... The bf says I'm crazy and I look the same but I don't and I swear i gained it all in my a**and stomach :(
So the bf and I are suppose to officially move out on November 1st. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. Mostly because theres this guy that lives below us, he's one of my bf's best friends and he works with him... anyway heres the deal he's like 6'3 and weighs about as much as me! I swear he is so skinny I have never seen a guy this thin before, not even a girl in person... so of course I am constantly googly eye-ing him bc I freakin idolize him bc I have a sick mind. But I swear, omg he's soooo skinny and I can't help it. So I'm afraid I'm going to go crazy living there, worse than now lol because he obviously has a problem, we hangout all the time, and anyway he def has a severe problem and I want that problem back! ughhhh!
Anyway so today I received a wonderful little comment on one of my blogs (they are sent to my phone) and it really kinda kicked my butt into gear. I don't see the comment so I'm not sure if I accidentally rejected it but it said:
"x.Beauty.is.Pain.x
I hate knowing that other people know I'm purging too, but I'd be more upset letting it all sink in, and I can't not do it.hah. I did it four times this weekend, and theres no way it went unnoticed
Thats great that your bf is so sweet! :) I just finished reading all of your posts, and not to come off creepy, but you sound like a really awesome person! Stay strong! :)"
Beauty is Pain:
I apologize if you did not want that comment posted up but I want to thank you for taking the time to even read my blog! I understand and totally relate to the purging the trick is stopping! I hope you are having a better day and thank you for brightening my day! :) o and btw, its totally not creepy at all I read total blogs all the time and sometimes I feel like a stalker lol <3 style="font-weight: bold;">strawberry shortcake:
I must say I'm a little nervous contacting someone, I don't know what to say... I'm so paranoid all the time now ya know... I'm seeing a counselor on Sundays but she doesn't specialize in eating disorders (i did this on purpose) and I keep refusing to go to a person who does, begin treatment, or even acknowledge the abuse I am suppose to. I'm afraid ya know... I feel like emailing someone would be really beneficial but I just feel really lost and don't even know what to say... thank you for supporting me sweetie!!! I hope everything has been going well for you, I haven't had a chance to read the blogs I have missed out on these past couple weeks :( stay strong! <3 style="font-weight: bold;">throughtheraindrops:
I love love love your advice and I can totally relate to being basically knocked out for days... thats the hell of bulimia for sure. When I wake up I feel like I have been hit with a brick in the head and I am completely disoriented. I really wish I could scare myself into stopping... like for example last time I wrote I had begun puking blood every time I was purging which scared me for like 3 hours until I did it again... just so you know the bleeding has resolved itself but as you know, I am still b/p-ing like crazy :( Thank you so much for the advice, when I received this comment it got me through a day and as I'm sure you know, making it through one day is a miracle! much love! <3 style="font-weight: bold;">Claire:
Thank you!!!! How did your water fast go? Depending on how today goes if you would like to do one together, or rather anyone!!!, I would love to. Thanks for the comment girl and I hope everything goes 'swimmingly!' :)
---------------
k, so later tonight I will post an update to see how my day went and whether or not I feel like I can manage a fast and even if I can't I would still like to pretend I can lol so, would anyone like to fast with me???
staystrong!
<3 autumn
-
-
-
UPDATE: okay so my night kinda sucked, it was pretty typical, lots of binging and purging. the worst part of all of this is that my body is so tired of purging that it is gripping onto the food, I can't get everything up and pure acid is tearing my throat apart which makes it extremely difficult to trigger the release... idk what to do... I'm so sick of this and I realized that tonight I did everything out of habit rather than overwhelming loss of control. As bad as this sounds I am very much relieved to know this because now I know that I have moved over to habitual rather than uncontrollable. This means, I might be able to control it again. I'm planning on loosing 10 pounds within the next 2 to 3 weeks and then 10 more after I move in to my new place and then, maybe, I'll be happy. Also, I need a scale that works still but I have become pretty good at judging my weight from the way my pants fit and look...
So tomorrow I figure I'm going to start my new restriction plan, normally I like to do fasts for penance but I'm not going to torture my wilted bulimic soul until she is ready. Also I think I may begin to have some sort of breakfast in the morn bc then I don't have to eat lunch (my 3:00 binge! ugh) so heres the plan thus far:
Breakfast: 1 mini bagel - 100 cals
Large black coffee - 0 cals
Snack: G2 purple Gatorade - 0 cals
1 Glucose tablet - 5 cals
Lunch: 1 can Chicken Noodle Soup, Campbells - 150 cals
Large black coffee - 0 cals
Snack: G2 purple Gatorade - 0 cals
1 Glucose tablet if necessary (its bad to take these frequently but they work) - 5 cals
Dinner: Raw salad with steamed vegetables, no dressing - 200 cals
Diet Coke - 0 cals
Snack: Tea - 0 cals
TOTALS: 100+0+0+5+150+0+0+5+200+0+0 = 460 cals
This shouldn't be too bad and I have a constant intake and at least I won't be hungry I suppose. Also I would like to start adding my exercise back into my plan but I really have to be secret about it...
hope everyone had a wonderful night!
<3 autumn
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
10.06.09
Okay this sucks because I haven't been able to write every night and I really use this as huge thinspiration but the bf has a big 12 pg paper due and he's been on my laptop for 3 days straight :(
Anyway things have been horrible lately I've been b/p non stop... i can't stop idk what to do...
So I keep telling myself no b/p-ing but I can't help it. And I'm not even binging anymore I'm just purging... everything... it's really getting out of control.
So today after work I decided not to go to class because I didn't feel well but really I just wanted to purge the 130 cals of trail mix I ate... this is what I'm talking about. I also had a yogurt parfait, no granola... purged that too. It's so hard to purge when there is hardly anything there... Also I went to Kohl's today and bought a cute watch and some new pants, size 1. Which would normally make me happy but I feel like a stuffed sausge or a canned sardine... My bf says they look nice but I think that's bc they are tight... I guess I would be happier if I actually looked like a size 1 but I don't, I have huge hips and a giant butt and tree trunk thighs, etc.
I actually think I may be going crazy from all of this lol. Anyway so the plan for tomorrow is to just not eat so that I don't have to purge because my body is killing me right now. On the plus side my stomach, throat, roof of my mouth, and hand are killing me so bad I'm hoping it will diswad me from eating.
Okiedokie the boy needs the computer again. Sorry it was a depressing update hopefully good news tomorrow.
Much love,
<3 autumn
Anyway things have been horrible lately I've been b/p non stop... i can't stop idk what to do...
So I keep telling myself no b/p-ing but I can't help it. And I'm not even binging anymore I'm just purging... everything... it's really getting out of control.
So today after work I decided not to go to class because I didn't feel well but really I just wanted to purge the 130 cals of trail mix I ate... this is what I'm talking about. I also had a yogurt parfait, no granola... purged that too. It's so hard to purge when there is hardly anything there... Also I went to Kohl's today and bought a cute watch and some new pants, size 1. Which would normally make me happy but I feel like a stuffed sausge or a canned sardine... My bf says they look nice but I think that's bc they are tight... I guess I would be happier if I actually looked like a size 1 but I don't, I have huge hips and a giant butt and tree trunk thighs, etc.
I actually think I may be going crazy from all of this lol. Anyway so the plan for tomorrow is to just not eat so that I don't have to purge because my body is killing me right now. On the plus side my stomach, throat, roof of my mouth, and hand are killing me so bad I'm hoping it will diswad me from eating.
Okiedokie the boy needs the computer again. Sorry it was a depressing update hopefully good news tomorrow.
Much love,
<3 autumn
Sunday, October 4, 2009
10.04.09
Sorry I haven't written in a couple days, weekends are busy :(
Anyway so Friday didn't turn out so well. I decided I would eat so I had a salad. But then I felt guilty...and I was at work so I raced home after work but it was too late and I couldn't get hardly anything up. So then the bf shows up all dressed up and cute and handsome and says 'I just got an $800 check and I want to take you out somewhere nice' it was so romantic but now I'm freaking because I have to eat dinner. ugh...so at dinner I look over the menu about 10,000 times and there is nothing absolutely F**KING NOTHING I can eat so I have no choice but to bite the bullet and 'binge' (eat like a normal person' so I got a fish sandwich which was outstanding but I was getting ready to burst by the time we got home but thankfully we were home in time for me to get it all up... but still I was pissed about that day so I told myself no food Saturday.
Saturday at work my dad starts trying to shove food down my throat again and I'm getting mad and he's b*tching at me for drinking too much water (we have one of those big water jugs at work and I drank 3/4 of the jug this week by myself, which I was proud of...he wasn't amused) regardless, I was upset about the day before and then my dad was absolutely hell at work telling me how I don't eat enough and I'm not strong enough and my hair looks like sh*t and that he hates my makeup, etc. So after work I decided that since I was going to be home alone...I would binge (MISTAKE) but I was overwhelmed... so I ate chinese food then puked my brains out and passed out. well I happend to forget my crazy fat friend and her bf were coming over that night so at 5 pm, SUPRISE! my bf pulls me out of bed and they are there. Grrrreeaaat. and of course, she wants dinner, wonderful! and she wants cheese fries from culvers, spectacular! So the boys went to get us food and I asked for a salad which he got plus a 2 scoop turtle sundae (my fav binge food ugh) --my bf is so very sweet and he is always doing wonderful little things for me but I really just couldn't handle this-- So I had already been playing off the fact that my stomach was upset so I didn't feel like drinking and when they showed up with food I took a couple bites of the salad and said I was saving it for later and then ate the toppings of the turtle sundae and then said my stomach hurt and i needed to go to the bathroom and puked... everybody knew but I didn't care at that point... so when they left I was pretty much completely retreated into myself. My bf, slightly drunk, rubbed my back and stayed the night. (he is so sweet)
So I woke up this morning and said, NO FOOD! but of course its the weekend and I'm sad so I ate some combos... but a strange thing happened when I went to the bathroom to puke, I stood in front of the mirror and realized that my legs don't touch anymore. That's weird... idk when it happened, I never noticed they always look so huge to me so I just stood there and stared for awhile then after I purged, it went back to being fat again... I could still see they didn't touch but they were huge like tree trunks... but still, when did they stop touching? how come I never noticed? I guess I'm so flabergasted bc just yesterday I was wishing that my legs didn't touch and they wouldn't be so fat, etc. and I had no idea that they actually didn't... honestly idk what to think about this, I think my mind is playing tricks on me.
hope everyone had a wonderful weekend,
maybe more later I need a nap right now...
much love,
autumn...
--------------------------------------------------
okay just a mini update, since this weekend has been so hard and filled with tons and tons of b/p I'm going to make a new rule. If I fast (300 cals or less) all week then I'll allow myself to have my b/p day on Saturday. My bf tried to bribe me, he said that if I could go 1 month with out b/p-ing he'd let me go on a $1000 shopping spree! Which of course sounds wonderful, but I started crying because I can't even go one day with out purging... and of course he's like is there anything more important than this? And I have to tell him honestly from behind a tear stained face, no...
anyway... point is, I'm going to fast tomorrow as punishment for today because I just ate like 5 servings of mini rice cakes (250 cals) and instead of purging like I should I'm just going to pass out...
goodnight darlings,
<3 autumn
Anyway so Friday didn't turn out so well. I decided I would eat so I had a salad. But then I felt guilty...and I was at work so I raced home after work but it was too late and I couldn't get hardly anything up. So then the bf shows up all dressed up and cute and handsome and says 'I just got an $800 check and I want to take you out somewhere nice' it was so romantic but now I'm freaking because I have to eat dinner. ugh...so at dinner I look over the menu about 10,000 times and there is nothing absolutely F**KING NOTHING I can eat so I have no choice but to bite the bullet and 'binge' (eat like a normal person' so I got a fish sandwich which was outstanding but I was getting ready to burst by the time we got home but thankfully we were home in time for me to get it all up... but still I was pissed about that day so I told myself no food Saturday.
Saturday at work my dad starts trying to shove food down my throat again and I'm getting mad and he's b*tching at me for drinking too much water (we have one of those big water jugs at work and I drank 3/4 of the jug this week by myself, which I was proud of...he wasn't amused) regardless, I was upset about the day before and then my dad was absolutely hell at work telling me how I don't eat enough and I'm not strong enough and my hair looks like sh*t and that he hates my makeup, etc. So after work I decided that since I was going to be home alone...I would binge (MISTAKE) but I was overwhelmed... so I ate chinese food then puked my brains out and passed out. well I happend to forget my crazy fat friend and her bf were coming over that night so at 5 pm, SUPRISE! my bf pulls me out of bed and they are there. Grrrreeaaat. and of course, she wants dinner, wonderful! and she wants cheese fries from culvers, spectacular! So the boys went to get us food and I asked for a salad which he got plus a 2 scoop turtle sundae (my fav binge food ugh) --my bf is so very sweet and he is always doing wonderful little things for me but I really just couldn't handle this-- So I had already been playing off the fact that my stomach was upset so I didn't feel like drinking and when they showed up with food I took a couple bites of the salad and said I was saving it for later and then ate the toppings of the turtle sundae and then said my stomach hurt and i needed to go to the bathroom and puked... everybody knew but I didn't care at that point... so when they left I was pretty much completely retreated into myself. My bf, slightly drunk, rubbed my back and stayed the night. (he is so sweet)
So I woke up this morning and said, NO FOOD! but of course its the weekend and I'm sad so I ate some combos... but a strange thing happened when I went to the bathroom to puke, I stood in front of the mirror and realized that my legs don't touch anymore. That's weird... idk when it happened, I never noticed they always look so huge to me so I just stood there and stared for awhile then after I purged, it went back to being fat again... I could still see they didn't touch but they were huge like tree trunks... but still, when did they stop touching? how come I never noticed? I guess I'm so flabergasted bc just yesterday I was wishing that my legs didn't touch and they wouldn't be so fat, etc. and I had no idea that they actually didn't... honestly idk what to think about this, I think my mind is playing tricks on me.
hope everyone had a wonderful weekend,
maybe more later I need a nap right now...
much love,
autumn...
--------------------------------------------------
okay just a mini update, since this weekend has been so hard and filled with tons and tons of b/p I'm going to make a new rule. If I fast (300 cals or less) all week then I'll allow myself to have my b/p day on Saturday. My bf tried to bribe me, he said that if I could go 1 month with out b/p-ing he'd let me go on a $1000 shopping spree! Which of course sounds wonderful, but I started crying because I can't even go one day with out purging... and of course he's like is there anything more important than this? And I have to tell him honestly from behind a tear stained face, no...
anyway... point is, I'm going to fast tomorrow as punishment for today because I just ate like 5 servings of mini rice cakes (250 cals) and instead of purging like I should I'm just going to pass out...
goodnight darlings,
<3 autumn
Thursday, October 1, 2009
10.01.09
Happy OCTOBER everyone!
So small note before the normal big blog tonight, I feel guilty :(
Okay so here's what happened, I was in class today at 2 PM and I had already drank my 60 oz of water but my stomach was growling which wasn't actually bothering me, i was enjoying it for once :) but some girl made a comment and so I said ya I'm a little hungry and then she tried to give me a KitKat bar which I was like HELLLLL NO!!! of course I didn't say that but I said, 'o no that's okay I have some peanuts' so I ate those elusive peanuts that have been in my purse for weeks :(:(:( 330 cals!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMGGGG!!!! ugh so I was so pissed and felt so guilty and I came home and threw up the peanuts but it was hard and really took a lot out of me so now I want to sleep but I wont burn as many cals then. Also I took 5 lax...
Okiedokie that's enough for now, I'll write later.
Thanks to my two lovely ladies and their thoughtful encouraging words!!!
<3
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kay, big blog time :)
Okay, don't let the smiley face fool you, I had a terrible night/evening. So here's the deal, I'm not suppose to take laxs at all, not even one because I used to be severely addicted to them and they completely crashed my system and ultimately were the reason I was caught the first time. Regardless, my stupid a** thought it would be okay to take them... just once the other day... and maybe today. (see this is how it starts i keep allowing myself even though I know I'll end up in the hospital!) anyway so today idk if I O.D.-ed on the lax or not very possible but regardless I had a very bad reaction.
I decided to sleep through the cramps while waiting and I awoke to stomach pains (usual) then I went into the bathroom and began getting dizzy and feeling very nauseous. Then, I broke out into an intense cold sweat and began shaking uncontrollably. I began dry heaving into the trash until acid began to come up. I couldn't stop. I couldn't even breathe and so i start to panic. I grabbed my phone and called my mom between sputtering and told her I was extremely sick and needed water fast and that she'd have to break into the bathroom. She was there in about 10 sec. flat. By this point I'm am coughing blood, shaking, freezing, sweating, sh*ting quarts of water, and dizzy.
So basically, I have learned my lesson for now. Even so though ED tells me I just took to much this time and it will be okay next time so I will say this now, IF I SAY I'M THINKING ABOUT TAKING LAXATIVES PLEASE TELL ME NO!!!!!!!
Also, if you are thinking about trying laxatives or using them just remember my terrible experiences plus, I have to stay up all night now even though I have to work open to close tomorrow.
Other than that I'm contemplating telling my bf I started taking laxs again so that maybe he can stop me but I'm not sure... I don't want to because it's my secret but at the same time I know that I can't trust myself and I still have half a box not even including my Epsom salt...
Okiedokie I hope everyone had a super spectacular skinny day!
Love to all!
-----
Intake:
122 oz. water: 0 cals
24 oz. black coffee: 0 cals
1 bag of peanuts: 330 cals
---Purge/Laxatives---
48 oz. chamomile tea
-----
P.S.
I was unaware that peanuts burn belly fat! Thanks for the tip!!! :)
So small note before the normal big blog tonight, I feel guilty :(
Okay so here's what happened, I was in class today at 2 PM and I had already drank my 60 oz of water but my stomach was growling which wasn't actually bothering me, i was enjoying it for once :) but some girl made a comment and so I said ya I'm a little hungry and then she tried to give me a KitKat bar which I was like HELLLLL NO!!! of course I didn't say that but I said, 'o no that's okay I have some peanuts' so I ate those elusive peanuts that have been in my purse for weeks :(:(:( 330 cals!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMGGGG!!!! ugh so I was so pissed and felt so guilty and I came home and threw up the peanuts but it was hard and really took a lot out of me so now I want to sleep but I wont burn as many cals then. Also I took 5 lax...
Okiedokie that's enough for now, I'll write later.
Thanks to my two lovely ladies and their thoughtful encouraging words!!!
<3
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kay, big blog time :)
Okay, don't let the smiley face fool you, I had a terrible night/evening. So here's the deal, I'm not suppose to take laxs at all, not even one because I used to be severely addicted to them and they completely crashed my system and ultimately were the reason I was caught the first time. Regardless, my stupid a** thought it would be okay to take them... just once the other day... and maybe today. (see this is how it starts i keep allowing myself even though I know I'll end up in the hospital!) anyway so today idk if I O.D.-ed on the lax or not very possible but regardless I had a very bad reaction.
I decided to sleep through the cramps while waiting and I awoke to stomach pains (usual) then I went into the bathroom and began getting dizzy and feeling very nauseous. Then, I broke out into an intense cold sweat and began shaking uncontrollably. I began dry heaving into the trash until acid began to come up. I couldn't stop. I couldn't even breathe and so i start to panic. I grabbed my phone and called my mom between sputtering and told her I was extremely sick and needed water fast and that she'd have to break into the bathroom. She was there in about 10 sec. flat. By this point I'm am coughing blood, shaking, freezing, sweating, sh*ting quarts of water, and dizzy.
So basically, I have learned my lesson for now. Even so though ED tells me I just took to much this time and it will be okay next time so I will say this now, IF I SAY I'M THINKING ABOUT TAKING LAXATIVES PLEASE TELL ME NO!!!!!!!
Also, if you are thinking about trying laxatives or using them just remember my terrible experiences plus, I have to stay up all night now even though I have to work open to close tomorrow.
Other than that I'm contemplating telling my bf I started taking laxs again so that maybe he can stop me but I'm not sure... I don't want to because it's my secret but at the same time I know that I can't trust myself and I still have half a box not even including my Epsom salt...
Okiedokie I hope everyone had a super spectacular skinny day!
Love to all!
-----
Intake:
122 oz. water: 0 cals
24 oz. black coffee: 0 cals
1 bag of peanuts: 330 cals
---Purge/Laxatives---
48 oz. chamomile tea
-----
P.S.
I was unaware that peanuts burn belly fat! Thanks for the tip!!! :)
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
9.30.09
Okay so I'm bored and still kind of on a high from fasting and being happy for a little bit so, I'm writing again!
Tonight I had another repeat of the other night with the bf, he called when he was on his way home and I made him another super fattening dinner (pasta: he's a pasta man this week I suppose lol) anyway I'm pretty sure this one was worse than last time. I made 2 chicken breasts but I cooked them in oil! yuck! and then bowtie noodles (again) with parmesean cheese, BUTTER, etc. And OMG it smelled heavenly! ugh how badly I wanted it but I was wearing my new jeans :) and their tightness reminded me that there is no F**KING way I'm going to screw this up if I want to stay in these pants! So I had a couple large glasses of ice water and chain smoked...ugh...I smoke to much now btw. Truly I have become the sterotypical eating disordered person, drinking coffee all day long, bundled up in winter jackets and scarves, and smoking like crazy! (still working on looking like a rail though...)
Honestly I was so suprised that I was able to get into these pants that when i got home I decided to pull out the only pair of size 1's I have they are khaki Calvin Klein, really nice but I'm just really too fat to fit. Anyway the years throughout my deep battle before treatment with my ED I used to use these pants as inspiration so, I went to try them on to determine if I really am a size 1... turns out, I am!
honestly I really have to say WTF?????????????? Okay heres deal, I'm 5'4 and my 'scale' says I'm 120 (yesterday) that seems outrageous to me. I seriously can't justify it... I never fit into size 1's before until I was less than 110, size 3 at 115, size 5 at 125... so, WTF??????????? So I have decided not to weigh myself till like saturday after fasting and lax tommorrow to determine if the scale moves if it doesn't or goes up then I declare it 'BROKED!!!'
o okay so when my bf saw my new pants he got, well...horny... lol, but thats because they are tight which pisses me off because I hate tight pants but I have decided that if I want to loose these huge a** hips I've got to wear them to motivate me...
okiedokie well I hope everyone has had a spectacular evening, hunger pains and all!
ps. I have been reading several girls blogs and I have to say that every person out here is so inspiring, thoughtful, encouraging, and supportive and I love it! I love that we can actually empathize with eachother and I know for me, even though I don't have many followers :( I follow many others and it helps make me feel not so alone! So kudos to any and all readers you are all awesome and know that you are all a worthwhile inspiration!
<3
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OMGOMGOMG!!!!
okay, so I have to respond to my special comment :)
Thank you so much for your encouraging words! Today I was in class and felt like I was going to break, I was daydreaming about a binge and then my phone *bzzzzzz* and I received your comment and it was just that little extra boost I needed to stay on track! I cannot thank you enough you saved me from another day of b/p!
After class I met a friend who wanted to go eat, I told her I wasn't feeling well and we went to Wendy's. I got a small black coffee (I wasn't planning on having coffee on my water fast but after a hellish migrain morning I needed it but I figure its okay bc it was a small and I always drink it black) Anyway while I was there I was soooo tempted to you know, order everything!!! lol but I didn't and afterwards I felt so empowered, something I haven't felt in a long time.
So even though I got a wonderful comment that got me through my day as well as empowerment of being able to avoid food I was still depressed...as usual. Then, we went shopping...at khols!!! ugh which I hate bc their sizes are never right and they are always fit smaller than the actual size so I was ready for some severe depression. So in the dressing room I grabbed a size 5 and I actually loved the jeans but they were too big so I went to look for a 3. Unfortunately I could only find a 1!!! So I'm like sh*t... but I grabbed it anyway just so I could try to shove my fat a** into it if nothing else buy them as inspiration (they were only $16.00) so I start to put them on. Slide up my legs, start to get snug...ugh-o i think...but they keep coming up and suprisingly they buttoned! and they actually fit! no big muffin top or anything! First of all I still don't understand how this is possible but, it made me sooooooo happy. So then I told my friend, 'OMG I actually got these up' and I asked her if I actually look like a size 1 and she said that normally when she thinks of a size 1 they are a stick (which I am not) but she said I am definitely thin enough to be one I just have a 'nice butt' and 'hips' to go with it. Which I HATE! but still, SIZE 1 BABY!!!!!! I think this probably confirms my scale is wrong either that or the pants are wrong.... idk
but I'm not going to overanalyze it bc it made me happy, something that isn't happening much, and because it gave me huge motivation because if it is wrong it still gave me a taste of size 1!
hope everyone had a wonderful day and one more THANK YOU to strawberry//shortcake!!! <3<3
Tonight I had another repeat of the other night with the bf, he called when he was on his way home and I made him another super fattening dinner (pasta: he's a pasta man this week I suppose lol) anyway I'm pretty sure this one was worse than last time. I made 2 chicken breasts but I cooked them in oil! yuck! and then bowtie noodles (again) with parmesean cheese, BUTTER, etc. And OMG it smelled heavenly! ugh how badly I wanted it but I was wearing my new jeans :) and their tightness reminded me that there is no F**KING way I'm going to screw this up if I want to stay in these pants! So I had a couple large glasses of ice water and chain smoked...ugh...I smoke to much now btw. Truly I have become the sterotypical eating disordered person, drinking coffee all day long, bundled up in winter jackets and scarves, and smoking like crazy! (still working on looking like a rail though...)
Honestly I was so suprised that I was able to get into these pants that when i got home I decided to pull out the only pair of size 1's I have they are khaki Calvin Klein, really nice but I'm just really too fat to fit. Anyway the years throughout my deep battle before treatment with my ED I used to use these pants as inspiration so, I went to try them on to determine if I really am a size 1... turns out, I am!
honestly I really have to say WTF?????????????? Okay heres deal, I'm 5'4 and my 'scale' says I'm 120 (yesterday) that seems outrageous to me. I seriously can't justify it... I never fit into size 1's before until I was less than 110, size 3 at 115, size 5 at 125... so, WTF??????????? So I have decided not to weigh myself till like saturday after fasting and lax tommorrow to determine if the scale moves if it doesn't or goes up then I declare it 'BROKED!!!'
o okay so when my bf saw my new pants he got, well...horny... lol, but thats because they are tight which pisses me off because I hate tight pants but I have decided that if I want to loose these huge a** hips I've got to wear them to motivate me...
okiedokie well I hope everyone has had a spectacular evening, hunger pains and all!
ps. I have been reading several girls blogs and I have to say that every person out here is so inspiring, thoughtful, encouraging, and supportive and I love it! I love that we can actually empathize with eachother and I know for me, even though I don't have many followers :( I follow many others and it helps make me feel not so alone! So kudos to any and all readers you are all awesome and know that you are all a worthwhile inspiration!
<3
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OMGOMGOMG!!!!
okay, so I have to respond to my special comment :)
"good luck on ur water fast, stay strong! dont get down on urself if u dont make it it is extremely tough" - *strawberry//shortcake
Thank you so much for your encouraging words! Today I was in class and felt like I was going to break, I was daydreaming about a binge and then my phone *bzzzzzz* and I received your comment and it was just that little extra boost I needed to stay on track! I cannot thank you enough you saved me from another day of b/p!
After class I met a friend who wanted to go eat, I told her I wasn't feeling well and we went to Wendy's. I got a small black coffee (I wasn't planning on having coffee on my water fast but after a hellish migrain morning I needed it but I figure its okay bc it was a small and I always drink it black) Anyway while I was there I was soooo tempted to you know, order everything!!! lol but I didn't and afterwards I felt so empowered, something I haven't felt in a long time.
So even though I got a wonderful comment that got me through my day as well as empowerment of being able to avoid food I was still depressed...as usual. Then, we went shopping...at khols!!! ugh which I hate bc their sizes are never right and they are always fit smaller than the actual size so I was ready for some severe depression. So in the dressing room I grabbed a size 5 and I actually loved the jeans but they were too big so I went to look for a 3. Unfortunately I could only find a 1!!! So I'm like sh*t... but I grabbed it anyway just so I could try to shove my fat a** into it if nothing else buy them as inspiration (they were only $16.00) so I start to put them on. Slide up my legs, start to get snug...ugh-o i think...but they keep coming up and suprisingly they buttoned! and they actually fit! no big muffin top or anything! First of all I still don't understand how this is possible but, it made me sooooooo happy. So then I told my friend, 'OMG I actually got these up' and I asked her if I actually look like a size 1 and she said that normally when she thinks of a size 1 they are a stick (which I am not) but she said I am definitely thin enough to be one I just have a 'nice butt' and 'hips' to go with it. Which I HATE! but still, SIZE 1 BABY!!!!!! I think this probably confirms my scale is wrong either that or the pants are wrong.... idk
but I'm not going to overanalyze it bc it made me happy, something that isn't happening much, and because it gave me huge motivation because if it is wrong it still gave me a taste of size 1!
hope everyone had a wonderful day and one more THANK YOU to strawberry//shortcake!!! <3<3
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
9.29.09 again
I'm writing again because I have nothing better to do than complain about how miserable I am!
So basically I just made a batch of brownies specifically to binge on even though I said I was going to fast but my stupid f**king bulimia is trying to kill me i swear! anyway by the time I got through making them I was able to convince myself that it was a stupid idea 1. brownies are extremely goo-y and sticky and super hard to get back up, 2. I'M SUPPOSE TO BE FASTING!!!!!!!! So thank the Lord I saved myself from this one but honestly I'm not out of the clear yet because I have a whole tray of brownies sitting in the kitchen about 20 paces away! ughhh...
but now that I'm writing this I have officially made myself so disgusted about my behavior that I doubt there is any way I am going to eat them! THANK HEAVENS!!!!
I'm so tired right now, and cold, and THIRSTY!!!! ahh!
Okay so no kidding no fooling I am doing this freakin WATER FAST even if I freakin kill myself trying!!!! (not literally) but still I just might go comatose!
I'm going to start my water fast now at 10:45 p.m. because I'm dying of thirst and now is a better time than ever I suppose...
hope everyone had a wonderful day, mia free!
<3 autumn
So basically I just made a batch of brownies specifically to binge on even though I said I was going to fast but my stupid f**king bulimia is trying to kill me i swear! anyway by the time I got through making them I was able to convince myself that it was a stupid idea 1. brownies are extremely goo-y and sticky and super hard to get back up, 2. I'M SUPPOSE TO BE FASTING!!!!!!!! So thank the Lord I saved myself from this one but honestly I'm not out of the clear yet because I have a whole tray of brownies sitting in the kitchen about 20 paces away! ughhh...
but now that I'm writing this I have officially made myself so disgusted about my behavior that I doubt there is any way I am going to eat them! THANK HEAVENS!!!!
I'm so tired right now, and cold, and THIRSTY!!!! ahh!
Okay so no kidding no fooling I am doing this freakin WATER FAST even if I freakin kill myself trying!!!! (not literally) but still I just might go comatose!
I'm going to start my water fast now at 10:45 p.m. because I'm dying of thirst and now is a better time than ever I suppose...
hope everyone had a wonderful day, mia free!
<3 autumn
9.29.09
Okay today sucked :(
Unbelievably after spending hours over the toilet, I weighed in at...dahdaduh: 120 f**king pounds!!!!
I want to be mad but I'm so depressed about this I can't even get angry... just sad.
So I've altered my fasting a little bit and today was one of my eating day, remember I was going to be under 200 cals. well after this wonderful news this morning I ended up ingesting 390. I'm not b*tching about it though bc at least it was under 500. But I was reading about fasting, which mind you I haven't done since about 8 or 9 months ago during treatment but not an extended one, but anyway, it said that you will loose the same amout of weight doing a straight water fast for 10 days as doing a pure juice fast for 30! I was like holy crap! So of course, originally I wanted to do the 10 day water fast but I failed :( but now that I see the crazy effects that my brainwashed head somehow forgot I'm going to work up to that being my goal.
I figure in order to do this I will start with a 2 day water, then a 3 day water, etc. until I reach 10 days.
-
-
-
I am so absolutely depressed. I feel like my world has been crushed. Stupid scale! Honestly I spent hours sh*ting water and didn't loose anything??? I think the scale must be broken or something??? I'm paranoid...
So tommorrow I have decided is a non eating day. Even though I keep making these water fast plans I keep getting so depressed I just wing it...mostly bc I hate drinking pure water but I don't want to add those juice packets and idk I guess I'm not motivated enough. Which is stupid that I'm not with how dang depressed and miserable I am. It's to the point now though that I keep telling myself I desereve to be fat and that I deserve the pain...
On another note, I'm moving in 1 month and of course, I don't want to be this FAT when I host my moving in party :( and I'm also looking for another job. I'm supposed to get my degree next semester and then transfer to another school and then 1 more year before my second degree... but, I'm hoping I can get some stupid desk job earning like 30-40K so I can afford to support my 200 lb boyfriend! Don't think I don't love him that way though, I'm the one who feeds him! lol and he's 6'3 so the weight looks good and most of it is his upper body but he's got a lil belly but i like it because it makes me feel less insecure to know that he's not perfect either ya kno...
Speaking of my bf, he's mad at me right now because I'm not eating. I think he likes it better when I'm bulimic because even though I throw it all up he can still pretend there's nothing wrong but he can't when I make him food and stare at my tea...
---
---
I know that I'm kind of rambling but I'm kind of absentminded at this point. Depression and bulimic back pain are duliting my thought processes. I have a knot the size of a golf ball under my shoulder blade right now and its KILLLLLLLLING me! Although I must say there is no better thinspiration than back pain because it hurts to eat!
-
-
-
Another random note, my pants are hanging off me which I don't understand because I'm still 120 freaking pounds and look like a freaking wilderbeast! :(
ugh...I'm sad today, I'm sorry...
maybe happier thoughts later, probably only if I'm under 120.
I hate that I continue to allow the scale to dictate my day!
<3 autumn
Unbelievably after spending hours over the toilet, I weighed in at...dahdaduh: 120 f**king pounds!!!!
I want to be mad but I'm so depressed about this I can't even get angry... just sad.
So I've altered my fasting a little bit and today was one of my eating day, remember I was going to be under 200 cals. well after this wonderful news this morning I ended up ingesting 390. I'm not b*tching about it though bc at least it was under 500. But I was reading about fasting, which mind you I haven't done since about 8 or 9 months ago during treatment but not an extended one, but anyway, it said that you will loose the same amout of weight doing a straight water fast for 10 days as doing a pure juice fast for 30! I was like holy crap! So of course, originally I wanted to do the 10 day water fast but I failed :( but now that I see the crazy effects that my brainwashed head somehow forgot I'm going to work up to that being my goal.
I figure in order to do this I will start with a 2 day water, then a 3 day water, etc. until I reach 10 days.
-
-
-
I am so absolutely depressed. I feel like my world has been crushed. Stupid scale! Honestly I spent hours sh*ting water and didn't loose anything??? I think the scale must be broken or something??? I'm paranoid...
So tommorrow I have decided is a non eating day. Even though I keep making these water fast plans I keep getting so depressed I just wing it...mostly bc I hate drinking pure water but I don't want to add those juice packets and idk I guess I'm not motivated enough. Which is stupid that I'm not with how dang depressed and miserable I am. It's to the point now though that I keep telling myself I desereve to be fat and that I deserve the pain...
On another note, I'm moving in 1 month and of course, I don't want to be this FAT when I host my moving in party :( and I'm also looking for another job. I'm supposed to get my degree next semester and then transfer to another school and then 1 more year before my second degree... but, I'm hoping I can get some stupid desk job earning like 30-40K so I can afford to support my 200 lb boyfriend! Don't think I don't love him that way though, I'm the one who feeds him! lol and he's 6'3 so the weight looks good and most of it is his upper body but he's got a lil belly but i like it because it makes me feel less insecure to know that he's not perfect either ya kno...
Speaking of my bf, he's mad at me right now because I'm not eating. I think he likes it better when I'm bulimic because even though I throw it all up he can still pretend there's nothing wrong but he can't when I make him food and stare at my tea...
---
---
I know that I'm kind of rambling but I'm kind of absentminded at this point. Depression and bulimic back pain are duliting my thought processes. I have a knot the size of a golf ball under my shoulder blade right now and its KILLLLLLLLING me! Although I must say there is no better thinspiration than back pain because it hurts to eat!
-
-
-
Another random note, my pants are hanging off me which I don't understand because I'm still 120 freaking pounds and look like a freaking wilderbeast! :(
ugh...I'm sad today, I'm sorry...
maybe happier thoughts later, probably only if I'm under 120.
I hate that I continue to allow the scale to dictate my day!
<3 autumn
Monday, September 28, 2009
9.28.09
F********KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am soooo pissed off right now! I decided to weigh myself, MISTAKE! and I'm still 120 POUNDS! IM SO FREAKIN SICK OF BEING THIS DAMN FAT! I hate this so much...
ya so today i woke up at 6 a.m. and discovered that little gem and then i freaked out and was mad...am still mad. but i went to class and by freaking 9:30 my stomach was screaming at me! WTF! its only 9:30!!! I was so pissed off! So I told it to shut the F**k up but it wouldn't... i have a bag of peanuts, salted peanuts, in my purse and they were beconing me but I couldn't eat them because: 1. I'm suppose to be fasting, and 2. They have 230 cals and 170 from fat! So i begged ana for help anything any freakin way to get rid of this stupid ridiculous 9:30 a.m. craving. So i told myself if I just waited then I could have 5 mini rice cakes at 12:45 when I got home. thats 37 calories. That sounded sensible because even though I am 'fasting' I am still allowing some sort of intake now because I'm not entirely strong enough yet so I'm just severely restricting, under 200 cals or less.
So, I had a plan. I still f**ked it up of course! At about 10:30 I decided I didn't feel well and didn't want to be at class anymore so I decided to go home and sleep. On the way home my stupid a** MIA came pumelling in! Screaming at me to binge so I can purge, if I just purge I would feel better and I wouldn't feel so sad if I could just PURGE! So I come home and pace in front of the cabinet letting my Ana and my Mia battle it out to see who will win. My head is hurting now, I'm shaking, and I'm exhausted so Ana and I are still weak and we give into Mia. But, it wasn't all bad I decided to go to my mini gumball machine and chew about 100 pieces of bubble gum while chugging 3 bottles of water and purged. I guess its not as bad as it could have been but throwing up water doesn't always do the trick thats why I chewed that sugary gum but I had to throw up the sugar ya kno... then, well now I suppose I have just taken 5 laxatives.
So now, its time for my rice cakes but I'm way to pissed off to allow myself to have any and theres no freaking way I'm even going to let myself have tea or water or coffee. I'm just going to sit here and make myself suffer and let my stomach cramp and scream because I deserve it for being so weak.
OMG I'm still so pissed off... I can't get over the fact that I'm 120! How the hell did I allow myself to get this huge??? OMG it makes me want to cry... im miserable...
I'll let you know how much I weigh after the lax and it better be under 120 pounds otherwise I'm going to freaking loose my mind for good!
I am soooo pissed off right now! I decided to weigh myself, MISTAKE! and I'm still 120 POUNDS! IM SO FREAKIN SICK OF BEING THIS DAMN FAT! I hate this so much...
ya so today i woke up at 6 a.m. and discovered that little gem and then i freaked out and was mad...am still mad. but i went to class and by freaking 9:30 my stomach was screaming at me! WTF! its only 9:30!!! I was so pissed off! So I told it to shut the F**k up but it wouldn't... i have a bag of peanuts, salted peanuts, in my purse and they were beconing me but I couldn't eat them because: 1. I'm suppose to be fasting, and 2. They have 230 cals and 170 from fat! So i begged ana for help anything any freakin way to get rid of this stupid ridiculous 9:30 a.m. craving. So i told myself if I just waited then I could have 5 mini rice cakes at 12:45 when I got home. thats 37 calories. That sounded sensible because even though I am 'fasting' I am still allowing some sort of intake now because I'm not entirely strong enough yet so I'm just severely restricting, under 200 cals or less.
So, I had a plan. I still f**ked it up of course! At about 10:30 I decided I didn't feel well and didn't want to be at class anymore so I decided to go home and sleep. On the way home my stupid a** MIA came pumelling in! Screaming at me to binge so I can purge, if I just purge I would feel better and I wouldn't feel so sad if I could just PURGE! So I come home and pace in front of the cabinet letting my Ana and my Mia battle it out to see who will win. My head is hurting now, I'm shaking, and I'm exhausted so Ana and I are still weak and we give into Mia. But, it wasn't all bad I decided to go to my mini gumball machine and chew about 100 pieces of bubble gum while chugging 3 bottles of water and purged. I guess its not as bad as it could have been but throwing up water doesn't always do the trick thats why I chewed that sugary gum but I had to throw up the sugar ya kno... then, well now I suppose I have just taken 5 laxatives.
So now, its time for my rice cakes but I'm way to pissed off to allow myself to have any and theres no freaking way I'm even going to let myself have tea or water or coffee. I'm just going to sit here and make myself suffer and let my stomach cramp and scream because I deserve it for being so weak.
OMG I'm still so pissed off... I can't get over the fact that I'm 120! How the hell did I allow myself to get this huge??? OMG it makes me want to cry... im miserable...
I'll let you know how much I weigh after the lax and it better be under 120 pounds otherwise I'm going to freaking loose my mind for good!
Sunday, September 27, 2009
9.27.09
THANK THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have officially made it through day 1! yippee!!!!
For whatever reason my bulimia has been making it terribly difficult for me to go a day without b/p-ing but today, I have effectively fasted!!! It only gets better from here!!!
So, today I had therapy :( and she tried to force me to talk about my past sexual abuse... I had a pretty severe panic attack with some pretty intense flashbacks and after I came too, she didn't push any longer. She said I don't have to talk about it yet and we will address it when I'm ready. What she doesn't understand is I will NEVER be ready EVER!!! I would much rather deny and repress it for the rest of my life than remember!
So anyway, after my episode I subconsciously drove home and passed out until 5:30 this afternoon. Then I went to my 'J', my bf's sister, cheer leading event which actually brought back some fond memories but mostly more that I would rather have left in my unconscious from a very sad time period... Then I went grocery shopping and made 'C' dinner a super terribly fattening pasta. It had bowtie noodles with BUTTER, garlic, and I made an Italian SAUSAGE and Italian season and herb sauce. It even smelled fattening, seriously there were over 1000 calories not to mention the FAT! I felt soooo powerful just watching him gorge and sipping my coffee :)
Okay, so I am so excited about my intake I'm writing it down.
Bfast: black coffee
L: sleep
-wake up: black hazelnut coffee
D: moree black coffee
-currently: chamomile tea
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Even though I had a panic attack and some overzealous flashbacks today is the best day I've had in awhile...
Tomorrow will be better I'm sure...well...I hope lol
<3 autumn
I have officially made it through day 1! yippee!!!!
For whatever reason my bulimia has been making it terribly difficult for me to go a day without b/p-ing but today, I have effectively fasted!!! It only gets better from here!!!
So, today I had therapy :( and she tried to force me to talk about my past sexual abuse... I had a pretty severe panic attack with some pretty intense flashbacks and after I came too, she didn't push any longer. She said I don't have to talk about it yet and we will address it when I'm ready. What she doesn't understand is I will NEVER be ready EVER!!! I would much rather deny and repress it for the rest of my life than remember!
So anyway, after my episode I subconsciously drove home and passed out until 5:30 this afternoon. Then I went to my 'J', my bf's sister, cheer leading event which actually brought back some fond memories but mostly more that I would rather have left in my unconscious from a very sad time period... Then I went grocery shopping and made 'C' dinner a super terribly fattening pasta. It had bowtie noodles with BUTTER, garlic, and I made an Italian SAUSAGE and Italian season and herb sauce. It even smelled fattening, seriously there were over 1000 calories not to mention the FAT! I felt soooo powerful just watching him gorge and sipping my coffee :)
Okay, so I am so excited about my intake I'm writing it down.
Bfast: black coffee
L: sleep
-wake up: black hazelnut coffee
D: moree black coffee
-currently: chamomile tea
-
-
-
Even though I had a panic attack and some overzealous flashbacks today is the best day I've had in awhile...
Tomorrow will be better I'm sure...well...I hope lol
<3 autumn
9.26.09
EDIT:
I have decided to go on a 10-day water fast, I will begin with day one tomorrow, 9.27.09, if anyone would like to join me I would love the support!!!!
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I have decided to go on a 10-day water fast, I will begin with day one tomorrow, 9.27.09, if anyone would like to join me I would love the support!!!!
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Dear Ana,
I'm sorry I have repressed you for so long... I have let outsiders influence our relationship and I am more miserable than I have ever been. I miss you and I need you more than ever right now. So I welcome you back, I beg for you back. I want you to take away the pain and most of all I want you to take away Mia....... I HATE HER! She's such a bitch and I HATEHATEHATEEEEEEEEEEEE IT! I read another inspirational woman's blog today with her ode to her Ana and it reminded me of my previous mental state and relationship with my own Ana and I realized how much I truly miss that power, that control, that dissociation.
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So today I had a terribly awful day, I was babysitting my boyfriends 9 yr old sister and as soon as he walked out the door she started asking what was wrong with me and why I keep making 'C' do everything for me and that I never let him see his family. Which intellectually I know that it was quite obvious that she was parroting his parents but it still hurt especially during this time. So I told 'C' when he came back and left because I didn't want to cry and make a little girl feel bad for no reason. I was just sooo hurt by this. Mostly because it is entirely untrue but it just makes me feel like 'C' is allowing his family to disrespect me and teaching his baby sister that it is okay. And of course it is impossible to for me to tell her it was improper or disrespectful or even reason or explain to her the dynamics of our current situation because she isn't my baby ya kno so all I know how to do is cry....
Which I did, I lit up a cig shaking in 65 degree weather in a trench crying walking down an unlit road till I got home. Which of course as soon as I got home the minimal pretzels I justified eating while at his house and I bolted up the stairs, slammed the door and puked until the bile spewed from my nose and I saw red in the toilet.
**I understand the previous statement was fairly aggressive and graphic and I apologize if anyone is offended or triggered by this, understand that I know what you are going through and I am here if you need**
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After I finished my disgusting display of behaviors within the privacy of my secluded bathroom I decided to surf some blogs. Looking out, reaching out I suppose. Regardless I noticed several displays of praise for one woman in particular, "Ana Regzig" and I began reading her early posts. She did a 34 day fast! I actually do not know if she completed it because I was only able to read until day 8 but still, how absolutely POWERFUL! This rekindled my own flame for Ana and is why I wrote an ode to her.
Random Thought:
W
hen I was in treatment we were taught that we needed to separate ourselves from our eating disorder and they gave 'him' a name, Ed. In my experience most individuals suffering from an eating disorder to separate themselves from the force of an eating disorder, we know it is part of ourselves yet the force, the energy itself we call Ana or Mia. I noticed that there is a huge difference between our labels for 'ED' and recovery labels for Ed. For one, because I feel my eating disorder is a part of me, I feel she is, well, a she! Unfortunately this actually impacts pretty intensely. As well as in treatment I was stressed not to associate any of my 'Autumn' thoughts, feelings, behaviors, etc. with 'Ed's'. Which as I mentioned before becomes difficult because essentially this is a PART of you! When I was in treatment I got much worse and I feel like I understand why now. It is because before, I had some understanding that what was controlling me was essentially me. But in treatment it is almost like you become 'powerless' to 'Ed' much like alcoholism for example and I feel this is extremely dangerous for an eating disordered person.-
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Anyway I know that was random but my thoughts are drifting. I'm kinda freaking out a little because I'm still really not eating... less than 500 cals a day but I'm cutting back to 300 or less a day. O, and I have therapy tomorrow...
If you are reading this, I hope you all had a more progressive and wonderful day than I had.
Stay strong my lovely Ana's and Mia's!
<3>
Friday, September 25, 2009
9.25.09
Do you ever walk past a mirror unexpectently and realize you are horribly and suddenly extrodinarily FAT!!!! That happened to me about agizzilion times today :(
After I terminated treatment I must say my mind must have been more accepting because now I just constantly wake up and feel like I gained 20 pounds overnight.
I just feel soooo FAT FAT FAT!!!!! & I'm getting soooo depressED-ED-ED! ughh! So my dad was in a particular wonderful mood today (sarcasim) He bitched and bitched and bitched and I went back to being the fat failure of a daughter...
To make the day even more spectacular in the middle of work I was suddenly hit with the extreme urge to go 'potty'... OMG I HAD TO RUN!!!! I know what you are thinking "laxatives??" the answer: NO! crazy I know... but mostly I've been living off of coffee and tea and I suppose my digestion isn't as used to that anymore... mind you I've been bulimic again for the past year and suprisingly there is a huge difference between the way bulimia effects the body compared to anorexia...at least for me...and this royally F***'s me! So needless to say, I had to rush out of work and book it home where I have been on and off the comoad all night... ugh.
Speaking of which (night I mean) I binged today and I am soooooooo pissed off. I had such a bad day and I just ended up on autopilot again :( Don't worry I purged it all up butttttt regardless if I purge or not we all know that its easier to loose weight by NOT EATING rather than B/P-ing! I'm sooo disapointed...
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OMGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST CAN'T GET OVER THIS I'M SO FREAKING HUGEEEEEE NOW!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE MEEEE!!!! I just constantly feel so disgusted with myself, how could I let myself go this far??? I feel like its going to take FOREVER to be back where I was and I wasn't even satisfied THEN! :(:(:(
After I terminated treatment I must say my mind must have been more accepting because now I just constantly wake up and feel like I gained 20 pounds overnight.
I just feel soooo FAT FAT FAT!!!!! & I'm getting soooo depressED-ED-ED! ughh! So my dad was in a particular wonderful mood today (sarcasim) He bitched and bitched and bitched and I went back to being the fat failure of a daughter...
To make the day even more spectacular in the middle of work I was suddenly hit with the extreme urge to go 'potty'... OMG I HAD TO RUN!!!! I know what you are thinking "laxatives??" the answer: NO! crazy I know... but mostly I've been living off of coffee and tea and I suppose my digestion isn't as used to that anymore... mind you I've been bulimic again for the past year and suprisingly there is a huge difference between the way bulimia effects the body compared to anorexia...at least for me...and this royally F***'s me! So needless to say, I had to rush out of work and book it home where I have been on and off the comoad all night... ugh.
Speaking of which (night I mean) I binged today and I am soooooooo pissed off. I had such a bad day and I just ended up on autopilot again :( Don't worry I purged it all up butttttt regardless if I purge or not we all know that its easier to loose weight by NOT EATING rather than B/P-ing! I'm sooo disapointed...
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OMGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST CAN'T GET OVER THIS I'M SO FREAKING HUGEEEEEE NOW!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE MEEEE!!!! I just constantly feel so disgusted with myself, how could I let myself go this far??? I feel like its going to take FOREVER to be back where I was and I wasn't even satisfied THEN! :(:(:(
Thursday, September 24, 2009
9.24.09
So I have recently, since yesterday, came to the realization that I am utterly not prepared to do a complete dry fast at this time. So I have altered my plans, as long as a stay under 300 cals I will count it as fasting and instead of going till Saturday I will go for a week or so.
Thus far today I broke my dry fast plan by eating peanuts. I justified eating the peanuts because I convinced myself that the fat from peanuts is good for me, it is raw, and it was able to solve my salt craving. Unfortunately peanuts have lots of calories so I'm really regretting it. I could of had 6 rice cakes today instead of a handful of peanuts... I wonder if the peanuts will make me gain weight since they are mostly fat...????
Also I did end up weighing myself and I was pleasantly surprised to find out I have lost 6 pounds since my last weight but I don't remember when I last weighed in.
Sooo... this only leaves me with about 19 more pounds, according to my father who told me I need to loose 25 pounds in order to actually have a problem never mind the fact I spent 2 years in treatment!!!
On a positive note, when I ate those peanuts my stomach got upset like I had to much... This probably means I haven't been eating enough for awhile but I don't remember when I started cutting back on my eating. It's strange how fast and sneakily the thoughts, behaviors, and actions slip back into my life unrecognized after treatment. If you are wondering I never completed treatment, I moved. In fact, during treatment I got much worse because we began treating my PTSD which made me completely loose my mind to say the least...
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Soooo, strangely enough my dad kept pressuring me to eat today at work which really irritated me because he's the one who told me to loose weight... My dad completely fucks me psychologically on a daily basis though, he either tells me how fat I am and how bad I look or how my makeup isn't right or my hair isn't perfect or I need to 'do something' about my face or that I'm too skinny and that I shouldn't do this and that and that I'm going to end up raped because I'm too pretty yadayadayyada...
I've been trying to look for other people who have eating disorder blogs through Blogger but I'm not having much luck :( soooo if you are reading this I'd appreciate some loveeeee here!!!!
<3 autumn
Thus far today I broke my dry fast plan by eating peanuts. I justified eating the peanuts because I convinced myself that the fat from peanuts is good for me, it is raw, and it was able to solve my salt craving. Unfortunately peanuts have lots of calories so I'm really regretting it. I could of had 6 rice cakes today instead of a handful of peanuts... I wonder if the peanuts will make me gain weight since they are mostly fat...????
Also I did end up weighing myself and I was pleasantly surprised to find out I have lost 6 pounds since my last weight but I don't remember when I last weighed in.
Sooo... this only leaves me with about 19 more pounds, according to my father who told me I need to loose 25 pounds in order to actually have a problem never mind the fact I spent 2 years in treatment!!!
On a positive note, when I ate those peanuts my stomach got upset like I had to much... This probably means I haven't been eating enough for awhile but I don't remember when I started cutting back on my eating. It's strange how fast and sneakily the thoughts, behaviors, and actions slip back into my life unrecognized after treatment. If you are wondering I never completed treatment, I moved. In fact, during treatment I got much worse because we began treating my PTSD which made me completely loose my mind to say the least...
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Soooo, strangely enough my dad kept pressuring me to eat today at work which really irritated me because he's the one who told me to loose weight... My dad completely fucks me psychologically on a daily basis though, he either tells me how fat I am and how bad I look or how my makeup isn't right or my hair isn't perfect or I need to 'do something' about my face or that I'm too skinny and that I shouldn't do this and that and that I'm going to end up raped because I'm too pretty yadayadayyada...
I've been trying to look for other people who have eating disorder blogs through Blogger but I'm not having much luck :( soooo if you are reading this I'd appreciate some loveeeee here!!!!
<3 autumn
First Post
Hi, as you can tell this is my first post...
For the past couple of weeks life has been hellish. My parents are going through a very nasty divorce right now and I am responsible for taking care of my pill popping mom, my bipolar sister, my repressed depressed brother, and my alcoholic father not to mention myself. One may question why I have to take care of them and although I can answer this in an extremely complex manner the simple fact is due to my eating disorder behaviors I feel utterly responsible for them all and believe I am at fault for all of their issues.
Anyway, due to this crazy stress competing with work and school my eating disorder has reared its ugly head with a vengeance. I spent two years in treatment and although I can never say I was free of my eating disorder it did become manageable. Not anymore... during treatment I had to separate myself from ED and write out conversations between the 'two' of us. I found those conversations today and it made me realize how unknowingly far I have slipped back into my behaviors.
To begin I was diagnosed as anorexic but I had been bulimic for years prior to treatment. Throughout treatment I went back to bulimia, in hiding. I have been nonstop bulimic all throughout treatment and after it.
I do feel like I am currently rambling but the point is I began fasting again and overly exercising. I was paranoid that I haven't been eating yet I wasn't loosing any weight. I stood on the scale today and realized I lost 6 pounds! I was sooooo happy yet, at 9:15 tonight I ended up eating a sandwich which I wasn't suppose to eat...at all...so I had to purge...
Do you think this means I will gain weight now? UGHHHHH I'm freaking out!!! ahhhhhhhh!
Anyway even though I ended up eating I'm going to still continue my "fast". I'm fasting until Saturday then food Sunday then fast again until Wednesday...etc. My dad told me I should loose 25 pounds and I figure since I've lost 6 thus far the other 19 shouldn't be too hard to loose in a couple months.
By the way, I found an apartment and I'm moving mid November with my boyfriend so I can finally release some of this crazy responsibility and anxiety.
<3 autumn...
For the past couple of weeks life has been hellish. My parents are going through a very nasty divorce right now and I am responsible for taking care of my pill popping mom, my bipolar sister, my repressed depressed brother, and my alcoholic father not to mention myself. One may question why I have to take care of them and although I can answer this in an extremely complex manner the simple fact is due to my eating disorder behaviors I feel utterly responsible for them all and believe I am at fault for all of their issues.
Anyway, due to this crazy stress competing with work and school my eating disorder has reared its ugly head with a vengeance. I spent two years in treatment and although I can never say I was free of my eating disorder it did become manageable. Not anymore... during treatment I had to separate myself from ED and write out conversations between the 'two' of us. I found those conversations today and it made me realize how unknowingly far I have slipped back into my behaviors.
To begin I was diagnosed as anorexic but I had been bulimic for years prior to treatment. Throughout treatment I went back to bulimia, in hiding. I have been nonstop bulimic all throughout treatment and after it.
I do feel like I am currently rambling but the point is I began fasting again and overly exercising. I was paranoid that I haven't been eating yet I wasn't loosing any weight. I stood on the scale today and realized I lost 6 pounds! I was sooooo happy yet, at 9:15 tonight I ended up eating a sandwich which I wasn't suppose to eat...at all...so I had to purge...
Do you think this means I will gain weight now? UGHHHHH I'm freaking out!!! ahhhhhhhh!
Anyway even though I ended up eating I'm going to still continue my "fast". I'm fasting until Saturday then food Sunday then fast again until Wednesday...etc. My dad told me I should loose 25 pounds and I figure since I've lost 6 thus far the other 19 shouldn't be too hard to loose in a couple months.
By the way, I found an apartment and I'm moving mid November with my boyfriend so I can finally release some of this crazy responsibility and anxiety.
<3 autumn...
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