10.04.09

Sorry I haven't written in a couple days, weekends are busy :(

Anyway so Friday didn't turn out so well. I decided I would eat so I had a salad. But then I felt guilty...and I was at work so I raced home after work but it was too late and I couldn't get hardly anything up. So then the bf shows up all dressed up and cute and handsome and says 'I just got an $800 check and I want to take you out somewhere nice' it was so romantic but now I'm freaking because I have to eat dinner. ugh...so at dinner I look over the menu about 10,000 times and there is nothing absolutely F**KING NOTHING I can eat so I have no choice but to bite the bullet and 'binge' (eat like a normal person' so I got a fish sandwich which was outstanding but I was getting ready to burst by the time we got home but thankfully we were home in time for me to get it all up... but still I was pissed about that day so I told myself no food Saturday.

Saturday at work my dad starts trying to shove food down my throat again and I'm getting mad and he's b*tching at me for drinking too much water (we have one of those big water jugs at work and I drank 3/4 of the jug this week by myself, which I was proud of...he wasn't amused) regardless, I was upset about the day before and then my dad was absolutely hell at work telling me how I don't eat enough and I'm not strong enough and my hair looks like sh*t and that he hates my makeup, etc. So after work I decided that since I was going to be home alone...I would binge (MISTAKE) but I was overwhelmed... so I ate chinese food then puked my brains out and passed out. well I happend to forget my crazy fat friend and her bf were coming over that night so at 5 pm, SUPRISE! my bf pulls me out of bed and they are there. Grrrreeaaat. and of course, she wants dinner, wonderful! and she wants cheese fries from culvers, spectacular! So the boys went to get us food and I asked for a salad which he got plus a 2 scoop turtle sundae (my fav binge food ugh) --my bf is so very sweet and he is always doing wonderful little things for me but I really just couldn't handle this-- So I had already been playing off the fact that my stomach was upset so I didn't feel like drinking and when they showed up with food I took a couple bites of the salad and said I was saving it for later and then ate the toppings of the turtle sundae and then said my stomach hurt and i needed to go to the bathroom and puked... everybody knew but I didn't care at that point... so when they left I was pretty much completely retreated into myself. My bf, slightly drunk, rubbed my back and stayed the night. (he is so sweet)

So I woke up this morning and said, NO FOOD! but of course its the weekend and I'm sad so I ate some combos... but a strange thing happened when I went to the bathroom to puke, I stood in front of the mirror and realized that my legs don't touch anymore. That's weird... idk when it happened, I never noticed they always look so huge to me so I just stood there and stared for awhile then after I purged, it went back to being fat again... I could still see they didn't touch but they were huge like tree trunks... but still, when did they stop touching? how come I never noticed? I guess I'm so flabergasted bc just yesterday I was wishing that my legs didn't touch and they wouldn't be so fat, etc. and I had no idea that they actually didn't... honestly idk what to think about this, I think my mind is playing tricks on me.

hope everyone had a wonderful weekend,
maybe more later I need a nap right now...

much love,
autumn...

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okay just a mini update, since this weekend has been so hard and filled with tons and tons of b/p I'm going to make a new rule. If I fast (300 cals or less) all week then I'll allow myself to have my b/p day on Saturday. My bf tried to bribe me, he said that if I could go 1 month with out b/p-ing he'd let me go on a $1000 shopping spree! Which of course sounds wonderful, but I started crying because I can't even go one day with out purging... and of course he's like is there anything more important than this? And I have to tell him honestly from behind a tear stained face, no...

anyway... point is, I'm going to fast tomorrow as punishment for today because I just ate like 5 servings of mini rice cakes (250 cals) and instead of purging like I should I'm just going to pass out...

goodnight darlings,
<3 autumn