9.25.09

Do you ever walk past a mirror unexpectently and realize you are horribly and suddenly extrodinarily FAT!!!! That happened to me about agizzilion times today :(

After I terminated treatment I must say my mind must have been more accepting because now I just constantly wake up and feel like I gained 20 pounds overnight.

I just feel soooo FAT FAT FAT!!!!! & I'm getting soooo depressED-ED-ED! ughh! So my dad was in a particular wonderful mood today (sarcasim) He bitched and bitched and bitched and I went back to being the fat failure of a daughter...

To make the day even more spectacular in the middle of work I was suddenly hit with the extreme urge to go 'potty'... OMG I HAD TO RUN!!!! I know what you are thinking "laxatives??" the answer: NO! crazy I know... but mostly I've been living off of coffee and tea and I suppose my digestion isn't as used to that anymore... mind you I've been bulimic again for the past year and suprisingly there is a huge difference between the way bulimia effects the body compared to anorexia...at least for me...and this royally F***'s me! So needless to say, I had to rush out of work and book it home where I have been on and off the comoad all night... ugh.

Speaking of which (night I mean) I binged today and I am soooooooo pissed off. I had such a bad day and I just ended up on autopilot again :( Don't worry I purged it all up butttttt regardless if I purge or not we all know that its easier to loose weight by NOT EATING rather than B/P-ing! I'm sooo disapointed...

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OMGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST CAN'T GET OVER THIS I'M SO FREAKING HUGEEEEEE NOW!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE MEEEE!!!! I just constantly feel so disgusted with myself, how could I let myself go this far??? I feel like its going to take FOREVER to be back where I was and I wasn't even satisfied THEN! :(:(:(