Wednesday, September 30, 2009


Okay so I'm bored and still kind of on a high from fasting and being happy for a little bit so, I'm writing again!

Tonight I had another repeat of the other night with the bf, he called when he was on his way home and I made him another super fattening dinner (pasta: he's a pasta man this week I suppose lol) anyway I'm pretty sure this one was worse than last time. I made 2 chicken breasts but I cooked them in oil! yuck! and then bowtie noodles (again) with parmesean cheese, BUTTER, etc. And OMG it smelled heavenly! ugh how badly I wanted it but I was wearing my new jeans :) and their tightness reminded me that there is no F**KING way I'm going to screw this up if I want to stay in these pants! So I had a couple large glasses of ice water and chain smoked...ugh...I smoke to much now btw. Truly I have become the sterotypical eating disordered person, drinking coffee all day long, bundled up in winter jackets and scarves, and smoking like crazy! (still working on looking like a rail though...)

Honestly I was so suprised that I was able to get into these pants that when i got home I decided to pull out the only pair of size 1's I have they are khaki Calvin Klein, really nice but I'm just really too fat to fit. Anyway the years throughout my deep battle before treatment with my ED I used to use these pants as inspiration so, I went to try them on to determine if I really am a size 1... turns out, I am!

honestly I really have to say WTF?????????????? Okay heres deal, I'm 5'4 and my 'scale' says I'm 120 (yesterday) that seems outrageous to me. I seriously can't justify it... I never fit into size 1's before until I was less than 110, size 3 at 115, size 5 at 125... so, WTF??????????? So I have decided not to weigh myself till like saturday after fasting and lax tommorrow to determine if the scale moves if it doesn't or goes up then I declare it 'BROKED!!!'

o okay so when my bf saw my new pants he got, well...horny... lol, but thats because they are tight which pisses me off because I hate tight pants but I have decided that if I want to loose these huge a** hips I've got to wear them to motivate me...

okiedokie well I hope everyone has had a spectacular evening, hunger pains and all!

ps. I have been reading several girls blogs and I have to say that every person out here is so inspiring, thoughtful, encouraging, and supportive and I love it! I love that we can actually empathize with eachother and I know for me, even though I don't have many followers :( I follow many others and it helps make me feel not so alone! So kudos to any and all readers you are all awesome and know that you are all a worthwhile inspiration!




okay, so I have to respond to my special comment :)

"good luck on ur water fast, stay strong! dont get down on urself if u dont make it it is extremely tough" - *strawberry//shortcake

Thank you so much for your encouraging words! Today I was in class and felt like I was going to break, I was daydreaming about a binge and then my phone *bzzzzzz* and I received your comment and it was just that little extra boost I needed to stay on track! I cannot thank you enough you saved me from another day of b/p!

After class I met a friend who wanted to go eat, I told her I wasn't feeling well and we went to Wendy's. I got a small black coffee (I wasn't planning on having coffee on my water fast but after a hellish migrain morning I needed it but I figure its okay bc it was a small and I always drink it black) Anyway while I was there I was soooo tempted to you know, order everything!!! lol but I didn't and afterwards I felt so empowered, something I haven't felt in a long time.

So even though I got a wonderful comment that got me through my day as well as empowerment of being able to avoid food I was still usual. Then, we went khols!!! ugh which I hate bc their sizes are never right and they are always fit smaller than the actual size so I was ready for some severe depression. So in the dressing room I grabbed a size 5 and I actually loved the jeans but they were too big so I went to look for a 3. Unfortunately I could only find a 1!!! So I'm like sh*t... but I grabbed it anyway just so I could try to shove my fat a** into it if nothing else buy them as inspiration (they were only $16.00) so I start to put them on. Slide up my legs, start to get snug...ugh-o i think...but they keep coming up and suprisingly they buttoned! and they actually fit! no big muffin top or anything! First of all I still don't understand how this is possible but, it made me sooooooo happy. So then I told my friend, 'OMG I actually got these up' and I asked her if I actually look like a size 1 and she said that normally when she thinks of a size 1 they are a stick (which I am not) but she said I am definitely thin enough to be one I just have a 'nice butt' and 'hips' to go with it. Which I HATE! but still, SIZE 1 BABY!!!!!! I think this probably confirms my scale is wrong either that or the pants are wrong.... idk

but I'm not going to overanalyze it bc it made me happy, something that isn't happening much, and because it gave me huge motivation because if it is wrong it still gave me a taste of size 1!

hope everyone had a wonderful day and one more THANK YOU to strawberry//shortcake!!! <3<3


ruby said...

that's so awesome! keep up the great work, miss size 1!

p.s. thanks for the comment! much appreciated, lovely!

lexy said...

Wow, well done on getting into the size ones:):)
I hope your rest of the week goes well too!

Lexy xx