9.24.09

So I have recently, since yesterday, came to the realization that I am utterly not prepared to do a complete dry fast at this time. So I have altered my plans, as long as a stay under 300 cals I will count it as fasting and instead of going till Saturday I will go for a week or so.

Thus far today I broke my dry fast plan by eating peanuts. I justified eating the peanuts because I convinced myself that the fat from peanuts is good for me, it is raw, and it was able to solve my salt craving. Unfortunately peanuts have lots of calories so I'm really regretting it. I could of had 6 rice cakes today instead of a handful of peanuts... I wonder if the peanuts will make me gain weight since they are mostly fat...????

Also I did end up weighing myself and I was pleasantly surprised to find out I have lost 6 pounds since my last weight but I don't remember when I last weighed in.

Sooo... this only leaves me with about 19 more pounds, according to my father who told me I need to loose 25 pounds in order to actually have a problem never mind the fact I spent 2 years in treatment!!!

On a positive note, when I ate those peanuts my stomach got upset like I had to much... This probably means I haven't been eating enough for awhile but I don't remember when I started cutting back on my eating. It's strange how fast and sneakily the thoughts, behaviors, and actions slip back into my life unrecognized after treatment. If you are wondering I never completed treatment, I moved. In fact, during treatment I got much worse because we began treating my PTSD which made me completely loose my mind to say the least...

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Soooo, strangely enough my dad kept pressuring me to eat today at work which really irritated me because he's the one who told me to loose weight... My dad completely fucks me psychologically on a daily basis though, he either tells me how fat I am and how bad I look or how my makeup isn't right or my hair isn't perfect or I need to 'do something' about my face or that I'm too skinny and that I shouldn't do this and that and that I'm going to end up raped because I'm too pretty yadayadayyada...

I've been trying to look for other people who have eating disorder blogs through Blogger but I'm not having much luck :( soooo if you are reading this I'd appreciate some loveeeee here!!!!

<3 autumn