9.29.09

Okay today sucked :(

Unbelievably after spending hours over the toilet, I weighed in at...dahdaduh: 120 f**king pounds!!!!
I want to be mad but I'm so depressed about this I can't even get angry... just sad.

So I've altered my fasting a little bit and today was one of my eating day, remember I was going to be under 200 cals. well after this wonderful news this morning I ended up ingesting 390. I'm not b*tching about it though bc at least it was under 500. But I was reading about fasting, which mind you I haven't done since about 8 or 9 months ago during treatment but not an extended one, but anyway, it said that you will loose the same amout of weight doing a straight water fast for 10 days as doing a pure juice fast for 30! I was like holy crap! So of course, originally I wanted to do the 10 day water fast but I failed :( but now that I see the crazy effects that my brainwashed head somehow forgot I'm going to work up to that being my goal.

I figure in order to do this I will start with a 2 day water, then a 3 day water, etc. until I reach 10 days.

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I am so absolutely depressed. I feel like my world has been crushed. Stupid scale! Honestly I spent hours sh*ting water and didn't loose anything??? I think the scale must be broken or something??? I'm paranoid...

So tommorrow I have decided is a non eating day. Even though I keep making these water fast plans I keep getting so depressed I just wing it...mostly bc I hate drinking pure water but I don't want to add those juice packets and idk I guess I'm not motivated enough. Which is stupid that I'm not with how dang depressed and miserable I am. It's to the point now though that I keep telling myself I desereve to be fat and that I deserve the pain...

On another note, I'm moving in 1 month and of course, I don't want to be this FAT when I host my moving in party :( and I'm also looking for another job. I'm supposed to get my degree next semester and then transfer to another school and then 1 more year before my second degree... but, I'm hoping I can get some stupid desk job earning like 30-40K so I can afford to support my 200 lb boyfriend! Don't think I don't love him that way though, I'm the one who feeds him! lol and he's 6'3 so the weight looks good and most of it is his upper body but he's got a lil belly but i like it because it makes me feel less insecure to know that he's not perfect either ya kno...

Speaking of my bf, he's mad at me right now because I'm not eating. I think he likes it better when I'm bulimic because even though I throw it all up he can still pretend there's nothing wrong but he can't when I make him food and stare at my tea...

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I know that I'm kind of rambling but I'm kind of absentminded at this point. Depression and bulimic back pain are duliting my thought processes. I have a knot the size of a golf ball under my shoulder blade right now and its KILLLLLLLLING me! Although I must say there is no better thinspiration than back pain because it hurts to eat!

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Another random note, my pants are hanging off me which I don't understand because I'm still 120 freaking pounds and look like a freaking wilderbeast! :(

ugh...I'm sad today, I'm sorry...
maybe happier thoughts later, probably only if I'm under 120.
I hate that I continue to allow the scale to dictate my day!

<3 autumn