Sunday, September 27, 2009


THANK THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have officially made it through day 1! yippee!!!!

For whatever reason my bulimia has been making it terribly difficult for me to go a day without b/p-ing but today, I have effectively fasted!!! It only gets better from here!!!

So, today I had therapy :( and she tried to force me to talk about my past sexual abuse... I had a pretty severe panic attack with some pretty intense flashbacks and after I came too, she didn't push any longer. She said I don't have to talk about it yet and we will address it when I'm ready. What she doesn't understand is I will NEVER be ready EVER!!! I would much rather deny and repress it for the rest of my life than remember!

So anyway, after my episode I subconsciously drove home and passed out until 5:30 this afternoon. Then I went to my 'J', my bf's sister, cheer leading event which actually brought back some fond memories but mostly more that I would rather have left in my unconscious from a very sad time period... Then I went grocery shopping and made 'C' dinner a super terribly fattening pasta. It had bowtie noodles with BUTTER, garlic, and I made an Italian SAUSAGE and Italian season and herb sauce. It even smelled fattening, seriously there were over 1000 calories not to mention the FAT! I felt soooo powerful just watching him gorge and sipping my coffee :)

Okay, so I am so excited about my intake I'm writing it down.
Bfast: black coffee
L: sleep
-wake up: black hazelnut coffee
D: moree black coffee
-currently: chamomile tea


Even though I had a panic attack and some overzealous flashbacks today is the best day I've had in awhile...
Tomorrow will be better I'm sure...well...I hope lol

<3 autumn

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