Thursday, September 24, 2009

First Post

Hi, as you can tell this is my first post...

For the past couple of weeks life has been hellish. My parents are going through a very nasty divorce right now and I am responsible for taking care of my pill popping mom, my bipolar sister, my repressed depressed brother, and my alcoholic father not to mention myself. One may question why I have to take care of them and although I can answer this in an extremely complex manner the simple fact is due to my eating disorder behaviors I feel utterly responsible for them all and believe I am at fault for all of their issues.

Anyway, due to this crazy stress competing with work and school my eating disorder has reared its ugly head with a vengeance. I spent two years in treatment and although I can never say I was free of my eating disorder it did become manageable. Not anymore... during treatment I had to separate myself from ED and write out conversations between the 'two' of us. I found those conversations today and it made me realize how unknowingly far I have slipped back into my behaviors.

To begin I was diagnosed as anorexic but I had been bulimic for years prior to treatment. Throughout treatment I went back to bulimia, in hiding. I have been nonstop bulimic all throughout treatment and after it.

I do feel like I am currently rambling but the point is I began fasting again and overly exercising. I was paranoid that I haven't been eating yet I wasn't loosing any weight. I stood on the scale today and realized I lost 6 pounds! I was sooooo happy yet, at 9:15 tonight I ended up eating a sandwich which I wasn't suppose to I had to purge...

Do you think this means I will gain weight now? UGHHHHH I'm freaking out!!! ahhhhhhhh!

Anyway even though I ended up eating I'm going to still continue my "fast". I'm fasting until Saturday then food Sunday then fast again until Wednesday...etc. My dad told me I should loose 25 pounds and I figure since I've lost 6 thus far the other 19 shouldn't be too hard to loose in a couple months.

By the way, I found an apartment and I'm moving mid November with my boyfriend so I can finally release some of this crazy responsibility and anxiety.

<3 autumn...

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