9.26.09

EDIT:
I have decided to go on a 10-day water fast, I will begin with day one tomorrow, 9.27.09, if anyone would like to join me I would love the support!!!!

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Dear Ana,

I'm sorry I have repressed you for so long... I have let outsiders influence our relationship and I am more miserable than I have ever been. I miss you and I need you more than ever right now. So I welcome you back, I beg for you back. I want you to take away the pain and most of all I want you to take away Mia....... I HATE HER! She's such a bitch and I HATEHATEHATEEEEEEEEEEEE IT! I read another inspirational woman's blog today with her ode to her Ana and it reminded me of my previous mental state and relationship with my own Ana and I realized how much I truly miss that power, that control, that dissociation.

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So today I had a terribly awful day, I was babysitting my boyfriends 9 yr old sister and as soon as he walked out the door she started asking what was wrong with me and why I keep making 'C' do everything for me and that I never let him see his family. Which intellectually I know that it was quite obvious that she was parroting his parents but it still hurt especially during this time. So I told 'C' when he came back and left because I didn't want to cry and make a little girl feel bad for no reason. I was just sooo hurt by this. Mostly because it is entirely untrue but it just makes me feel like 'C' is allowing his family to disrespect me and teaching his baby sister that it is okay. And of course it is impossible to for me to tell her it was improper or disrespectful or even reason or explain to her the dynamics of our current situation because she isn't my baby ya kno so all I know how to do is cry....

Which I did, I lit up a cig shaking in 65 degree weather in a trench crying walking down an unlit road till I got home. Which of course as soon as I got home the minimal pretzels I justified eating while at his house and I bolted up the stairs, slammed the door and puked until the bile spewed from my nose and I saw red in the toilet.

**I understand the previous statement was fairly aggressive and graphic and I apologize if anyone is offended or triggered by this, understand that I know what you are going through and I am here if you need**

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After I finished my disgusting display of behaviors within the privacy of my secluded bathroom I decided to surf some blogs. Looking out, reaching out I suppose. Regardless I noticed several displays of praise for one woman in particular, "Ana Regzig" and I began reading her early posts. She did a 34 day fast! I actually do not know if she completed it because I was only able to read until day 8 but still, how absolutely POWERFUL! This rekindled my own flame for Ana and is why I wrote an ode to her.

Random Thought:
When I was in treatment we were taught that we needed to separate ourselves from our eating disorder and they gave 'him' a name, Ed. In my experience most individuals suffering from an eating disorder to separate themselves from the force of an eating disorder, we know it is part of ourselves yet the force, the energy itself we call Ana or Mia. I noticed that there is a huge difference between our labels for 'ED' and recovery labels for Ed. For one, because I feel my eating disorder is a part of me, I feel she is, well, a she! Unfortunately this actually impacts pretty intensely. As well as in treatment I was stressed not to associate any of my 'Autumn' thoughts, feelings, behaviors, etc. with 'Ed's'. Which as I mentioned before becomes difficult because essentially this is a PART of you! When I was in treatment I got much worse and I feel like I understand why now. It is because before, I had some understanding that what was controlling me was essentially me. But in treatment it is almost like you become 'powerless' to 'Ed' much like alcoholism for example and I feel this is extremely dangerous for an eating disordered person.

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Anyway I know that was random but my thoughts are drifting. I'm kinda freaking out a little because I'm still really not eating... less than 500 cals a day but I'm cutting back to 300 or less a day. O, and I have therapy tomorrow...

If you are reading this, I hope you all had a more progressive and wonderful day than I had.
Stay strong my lovely Ana's and Mia's!
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