9.30.09

Okay so I'm bored and still kind of on a high from fasting and being happy for a little bit so, I'm writing again!

Tonight I had another repeat of the other night with the bf, he called when he was on his way home and I made him another super fattening dinner (pasta: he's a pasta man this week I suppose lol) anyway I'm pretty sure this one was worse than last time. I made 2 chicken breasts but I cooked them in oil! yuck! and then bowtie noodles (again) with parmesean cheese, BUTTER, etc. And OMG it smelled heavenly! ugh how badly I wanted it but I was wearing my new jeans :) and their tightness reminded me that there is no F**KING way I'm going to screw this up if I want to stay in these pants! So I had a couple large glasses of ice water and chain smoked...ugh...I smoke to much now btw. Truly I have become the sterotypical eating disordered person, drinking coffee all day long, bundled up in winter jackets and scarves, and smoking like crazy! (still working on looking like a rail though...)

Honestly I was so suprised that I was able to get into these pants that when i got home I decided to pull out the only pair of size 1's I have they are khaki Calvin Klein, really nice but I'm just really too fat to fit. Anyway the years throughout my deep battle before treatment with my ED I used to use these pants as inspiration so, I went to try them on to determine if I really am a size 1... turns out, I am!

honestly I really have to say WTF?????????????? Okay heres deal, I'm 5'4 and my 'scale' says I'm 120 (yesterday) that seems outrageous to me. I seriously can't justify it... I never fit into size 1's before until I was less than 110, size 3 at 115, size 5 at 125... so, WTF??????????? So I have decided not to weigh myself till like saturday after fasting and lax tommorrow to determine if the scale moves if it doesn't or goes up then I declare it 'BROKED!!!'

o okay so when my bf saw my new pants he got, well...horny... lol, but thats because they are tight which pisses me off because I hate tight pants but I have decided that if I want to loose these huge a** hips I've got to wear them to motivate me...

okiedokie well I hope everyone has had a spectacular evening, hunger pains and all!

ps. I have been reading several girls blogs and I have to say that every person out here is so inspiring, thoughtful, encouraging, and supportive and I love it! I love that we can actually empathize with eachother and I know for me, even though I don't have many followers :( I follow many others and it helps make me feel not so alone! So kudos to any and all readers you are all awesome and know that you are all a worthwhile inspiration!

<3

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OMGOMGOMG!!!!

okay, so I have to respond to my special comment :)

"good luck on ur water fast, stay strong! dont get down on urself if u dont make it it is extremely tough" - *strawberry//shortcake

Thank you so much for your encouraging words! Today I was in class and felt like I was going to break, I was daydreaming about a binge and then my phone *bzzzzzz* and I received your comment and it was just that little extra boost I needed to stay on track! I cannot thank you enough you saved me from another day of b/p!

After class I met a friend who wanted to go eat, I told her I wasn't feeling well and we went to Wendy's. I got a small black coffee (I wasn't planning on having coffee on my water fast but after a hellish migrain morning I needed it but I figure its okay bc it was a small and I always drink it black) Anyway while I was there I was soooo tempted to you know, order everything!!! lol but I didn't and afterwards I felt so empowered, something I haven't felt in a long time.

So even though I got a wonderful comment that got me through my day as well as empowerment of being able to avoid food I was still depressed...as usual. Then, we went shopping...at khols!!! ugh which I hate bc their sizes are never right and they are always fit smaller than the actual size so I was ready for some severe depression. So in the dressing room I grabbed a size 5 and I actually loved the jeans but they were too big so I went to look for a 3. Unfortunately I could only find a 1!!! So I'm like sh*t... but I grabbed it anyway just so I could try to shove my fat a** into it if nothing else buy them as inspiration (they were only $16.00) so I start to put them on. Slide up my legs, start to get snug...ugh-o i think...but they keep coming up and suprisingly they buttoned! and they actually fit! no big muffin top or anything! First of all I still don't understand how this is possible but, it made me sooooooo happy. So then I told my friend, 'OMG I actually got these up' and I asked her if I actually look like a size 1 and she said that normally when she thinks of a size 1 they are a stick (which I am not) but she said I am definitely thin enough to be one I just have a 'nice butt' and 'hips' to go with it. Which I HATE! but still, SIZE 1 BABY!!!!!! I think this probably confirms my scale is wrong either that or the pants are wrong.... idk

but I'm not going to overanalyze it bc it made me happy, something that isn't happening much, and because it gave me huge motivation because if it is wrong it still gave me a taste of size 1!

hope everyone had a wonderful day and one more THANK YOU to strawberry//shortcake!!! <3<3

9.29.09 again

I'm writing again because I have nothing better to do than complain about how miserable I am!

So basically I just made a batch of brownies specifically to binge on even though I said I was going to fast but my stupid f**king bulimia is trying to kill me i swear! anyway by the time I got through making them I was able to convince myself that it was a stupid idea 1. brownies are extremely goo-y and sticky and super hard to get back up, 2. I'M SUPPOSE TO BE FASTING!!!!!!!! So thank the Lord I saved myself from this one but honestly I'm not out of the clear yet because I have a whole tray of brownies sitting in the kitchen about 20 paces away! ughhh...

but now that I'm writing this I have officially made myself so disgusted about my behavior that I doubt there is any way I am going to eat them! THANK HEAVENS!!!!

I'm so tired right now, and cold, and THIRSTY!!!! ahh!

Okay so no kidding no fooling I am doing this freakin WATER FAST even if I freakin kill myself trying!!!! (not literally) but still I just might go comatose!

I'm going to start my water fast now at 10:45 p.m. because I'm dying of thirst and now is a better time than ever I suppose...

hope everyone had a wonderful day, mia free!
<3 autumn

9.29.09

Okay today sucked :(

Unbelievably after spending hours over the toilet, I weighed in at...dahdaduh: 120 f**king pounds!!!!
I want to be mad but I'm so depressed about this I can't even get angry... just sad.

So I've altered my fasting a little bit and today was one of my eating day, remember I was going to be under 200 cals. well after this wonderful news this morning I ended up ingesting 390. I'm not b*tching about it though bc at least it was under 500. But I was reading about fasting, which mind you I haven't done since about 8 or 9 months ago during treatment but not an extended one, but anyway, it said that you will loose the same amout of weight doing a straight water fast for 10 days as doing a pure juice fast for 30! I was like holy crap! So of course, originally I wanted to do the 10 day water fast but I failed :( but now that I see the crazy effects that my brainwashed head somehow forgot I'm going to work up to that being my goal.

I figure in order to do this I will start with a 2 day water, then a 3 day water, etc. until I reach 10 days.

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I am so absolutely depressed. I feel like my world has been crushed. Stupid scale! Honestly I spent hours sh*ting water and didn't loose anything??? I think the scale must be broken or something??? I'm paranoid...

So tommorrow I have decided is a non eating day. Even though I keep making these water fast plans I keep getting so depressed I just wing it...mostly bc I hate drinking pure water but I don't want to add those juice packets and idk I guess I'm not motivated enough. Which is stupid that I'm not with how dang depressed and miserable I am. It's to the point now though that I keep telling myself I desereve to be fat and that I deserve the pain...

On another note, I'm moving in 1 month and of course, I don't want to be this FAT when I host my moving in party :( and I'm also looking for another job. I'm supposed to get my degree next semester and then transfer to another school and then 1 more year before my second degree... but, I'm hoping I can get some stupid desk job earning like 30-40K so I can afford to support my 200 lb boyfriend! Don't think I don't love him that way though, I'm the one who feeds him! lol and he's 6'3 so the weight looks good and most of it is his upper body but he's got a lil belly but i like it because it makes me feel less insecure to know that he's not perfect either ya kno...

Speaking of my bf, he's mad at me right now because I'm not eating. I think he likes it better when I'm bulimic because even though I throw it all up he can still pretend there's nothing wrong but he can't when I make him food and stare at my tea...

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I know that I'm kind of rambling but I'm kind of absentminded at this point. Depression and bulimic back pain are duliting my thought processes. I have a knot the size of a golf ball under my shoulder blade right now and its KILLLLLLLLING me! Although I must say there is no better thinspiration than back pain because it hurts to eat!

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Another random note, my pants are hanging off me which I don't understand because I'm still 120 freaking pounds and look like a freaking wilderbeast! :(

ugh...I'm sad today, I'm sorry...
maybe happier thoughts later, probably only if I'm under 120.
I hate that I continue to allow the scale to dictate my day!

<3 autumn

9.28.09

F********KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am soooo pissed off right now! I decided to weigh myself, MISTAKE! and I'm still 120 POUNDS! IM SO FREAKIN SICK OF BEING THIS DAMN FAT! I hate this so much...

ya so today i woke up at 6 a.m. and discovered that little gem and then i freaked out and was mad...am still mad. but i went to class and by freaking 9:30 my stomach was screaming at me! WTF! its only 9:30!!! I was so pissed off! So I told it to shut the F**k up but it wouldn't... i have a bag of peanuts, salted peanuts, in my purse and they were beconing me but I couldn't eat them because: 1. I'm suppose to be fasting, and 2. They have 230 cals and 170 from fat! So i begged ana for help anything any freakin way to get rid of this stupid ridiculous 9:30 a.m. craving. So i told myself if I just waited then I could have 5 mini rice cakes at 12:45 when I got home. thats 37 calories. That sounded sensible because even though I am 'fasting' I am still allowing some sort of intake now because I'm not entirely strong enough yet so I'm just severely restricting, under 200 cals or less.

So, I had a plan. I still f**ked it up of course! At about 10:30 I decided I didn't feel well and didn't want to be at class anymore so I decided to go home and sleep. On the way home my stupid a** MIA came pumelling in! Screaming at me to binge so I can purge, if I just purge I would feel better and I wouldn't feel so sad if I could just PURGE! So I come home and pace in front of the cabinet letting my Ana and my Mia battle it out to see who will win. My head is hurting now, I'm shaking, and I'm exhausted so Ana and I are still weak and we give into Mia. But, it wasn't all bad I decided to go to my mini gumball machine and chew about 100 pieces of bubble gum while chugging 3 bottles of water and purged. I guess its not as bad as it could have been but throwing up water doesn't always do the trick thats why I chewed that sugary gum but I had to throw up the sugar ya kno... then, well now I suppose I have just taken 5 laxatives.

So now, its time for my rice cakes but I'm way to pissed off to allow myself to have any and theres no freaking way I'm even going to let myself have tea or water or coffee. I'm just going to sit here and make myself suffer and let my stomach cramp and scream because I deserve it for being so weak.

OMG I'm still so pissed off... I can't get over the fact that I'm 120! How the hell did I allow myself to get this huge??? OMG it makes me want to cry... im miserable...

I'll let you know how much I weigh after the lax and it better be under 120 pounds otherwise I'm going to freaking loose my mind for good!

9.27.09

THANK THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have officially made it through day 1! yippee!!!!

For whatever reason my bulimia has been making it terribly difficult for me to go a day without b/p-ing but today, I have effectively fasted!!! It only gets better from here!!!

So, today I had therapy :( and she tried to force me to talk about my past sexual abuse... I had a pretty severe panic attack with some pretty intense flashbacks and after I came too, she didn't push any longer. She said I don't have to talk about it yet and we will address it when I'm ready. What she doesn't understand is I will NEVER be ready EVER!!! I would much rather deny and repress it for the rest of my life than remember!

So anyway, after my episode I subconsciously drove home and passed out until 5:30 this afternoon. Then I went to my 'J', my bf's sister, cheer leading event which actually brought back some fond memories but mostly more that I would rather have left in my unconscious from a very sad time period... Then I went grocery shopping and made 'C' dinner a super terribly fattening pasta. It had bowtie noodles with BUTTER, garlic, and I made an Italian SAUSAGE and Italian season and herb sauce. It even smelled fattening, seriously there were over 1000 calories not to mention the FAT! I felt soooo powerful just watching him gorge and sipping my coffee :)

Okay, so I am so excited about my intake I'm writing it down.
Bfast: black coffee
L: sleep
-wake up: black hazelnut coffee
D: moree black coffee
-currently: chamomile tea

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Even though I had a panic attack and some overzealous flashbacks today is the best day I've had in awhile...
Tomorrow will be better I'm sure...well...I hope lol

<3 autumn

9.26.09

EDIT:
I have decided to go on a 10-day water fast, I will begin with day one tomorrow, 9.27.09, if anyone would like to join me I would love the support!!!!

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Dear Ana,

I'm sorry I have repressed you for so long... I have let outsiders influence our relationship and I am more miserable than I have ever been. I miss you and I need you more than ever right now. So I welcome you back, I beg for you back. I want you to take away the pain and most of all I want you to take away Mia....... I HATE HER! She's such a bitch and I HATEHATEHATEEEEEEEEEEEE IT! I read another inspirational woman's blog today with her ode to her Ana and it reminded me of my previous mental state and relationship with my own Ana and I realized how much I truly miss that power, that control, that dissociation.

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So today I had a terribly awful day, I was babysitting my boyfriends 9 yr old sister and as soon as he walked out the door she started asking what was wrong with me and why I keep making 'C' do everything for me and that I never let him see his family. Which intellectually I know that it was quite obvious that she was parroting his parents but it still hurt especially during this time. So I told 'C' when he came back and left because I didn't want to cry and make a little girl feel bad for no reason. I was just sooo hurt by this. Mostly because it is entirely untrue but it just makes me feel like 'C' is allowing his family to disrespect me and teaching his baby sister that it is okay. And of course it is impossible to for me to tell her it was improper or disrespectful or even reason or explain to her the dynamics of our current situation because she isn't my baby ya kno so all I know how to do is cry....

Which I did, I lit up a cig shaking in 65 degree weather in a trench crying walking down an unlit road till I got home. Which of course as soon as I got home the minimal pretzels I justified eating while at his house and I bolted up the stairs, slammed the door and puked until the bile spewed from my nose and I saw red in the toilet.

**I understand the previous statement was fairly aggressive and graphic and I apologize if anyone is offended or triggered by this, understand that I know what you are going through and I am here if you need**

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After I finished my disgusting display of behaviors within the privacy of my secluded bathroom I decided to surf some blogs. Looking out, reaching out I suppose. Regardless I noticed several displays of praise for one woman in particular, "Ana Regzig" and I began reading her early posts. She did a 34 day fast! I actually do not know if she completed it because I was only able to read until day 8 but still, how absolutely POWERFUL! This rekindled my own flame for Ana and is why I wrote an ode to her.

Random Thought:
When I was in treatment we were taught that we needed to separate ourselves from our eating disorder and they gave 'him' a name, Ed. In my experience most individuals suffering from an eating disorder to separate themselves from the force of an eating disorder, we know it is part of ourselves yet the force, the energy itself we call Ana or Mia. I noticed that there is a huge difference between our labels for 'ED' and recovery labels for Ed. For one, because I feel my eating disorder is a part of me, I feel she is, well, a she! Unfortunately this actually impacts pretty intensely. As well as in treatment I was stressed not to associate any of my 'Autumn' thoughts, feelings, behaviors, etc. with 'Ed's'. Which as I mentioned before becomes difficult because essentially this is a PART of you! When I was in treatment I got much worse and I feel like I understand why now. It is because before, I had some understanding that what was controlling me was essentially me. But in treatment it is almost like you become 'powerless' to 'Ed' much like alcoholism for example and I feel this is extremely dangerous for an eating disordered person.

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Anyway I know that was random but my thoughts are drifting. I'm kinda freaking out a little because I'm still really not eating... less than 500 cals a day but I'm cutting back to 300 or less a day. O, and I have therapy tomorrow...

If you are reading this, I hope you all had a more progressive and wonderful day than I had.
Stay strong my lovely Ana's and Mia's!
<3>

9.25.09

Do you ever walk past a mirror unexpectently and realize you are horribly and suddenly extrodinarily FAT!!!! That happened to me about agizzilion times today :(

After I terminated treatment I must say my mind must have been more accepting because now I just constantly wake up and feel like I gained 20 pounds overnight.

I just feel soooo FAT FAT FAT!!!!! & I'm getting soooo depressED-ED-ED! ughh! So my dad was in a particular wonderful mood today (sarcasim) He bitched and bitched and bitched and I went back to being the fat failure of a daughter...

To make the day even more spectacular in the middle of work I was suddenly hit with the extreme urge to go 'potty'... OMG I HAD TO RUN!!!! I know what you are thinking "laxatives??" the answer: NO! crazy I know... but mostly I've been living off of coffee and tea and I suppose my digestion isn't as used to that anymore... mind you I've been bulimic again for the past year and suprisingly there is a huge difference between the way bulimia effects the body compared to anorexia...at least for me...and this royally F***'s me! So needless to say, I had to rush out of work and book it home where I have been on and off the comoad all night... ugh.

Speaking of which (night I mean) I binged today and I am soooooooo pissed off. I had such a bad day and I just ended up on autopilot again :( Don't worry I purged it all up butttttt regardless if I purge or not we all know that its easier to loose weight by NOT EATING rather than B/P-ing! I'm sooo disapointed...

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OMGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST CAN'T GET OVER THIS I'M SO FREAKING HUGEEEEEE NOW!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE MEEEE!!!! I just constantly feel so disgusted with myself, how could I let myself go this far??? I feel like its going to take FOREVER to be back where I was and I wasn't even satisfied THEN! :(:(:(

9.24.09

So I have recently, since yesterday, came to the realization that I am utterly not prepared to do a complete dry fast at this time. So I have altered my plans, as long as a stay under 300 cals I will count it as fasting and instead of going till Saturday I will go for a week or so.

Thus far today I broke my dry fast plan by eating peanuts. I justified eating the peanuts because I convinced myself that the fat from peanuts is good for me, it is raw, and it was able to solve my salt craving. Unfortunately peanuts have lots of calories so I'm really regretting it. I could of had 6 rice cakes today instead of a handful of peanuts... I wonder if the peanuts will make me gain weight since they are mostly fat...????

Also I did end up weighing myself and I was pleasantly surprised to find out I have lost 6 pounds since my last weight but I don't remember when I last weighed in.

Sooo... this only leaves me with about 19 more pounds, according to my father who told me I need to loose 25 pounds in order to actually have a problem never mind the fact I spent 2 years in treatment!!!

On a positive note, when I ate those peanuts my stomach got upset like I had to much... This probably means I haven't been eating enough for awhile but I don't remember when I started cutting back on my eating. It's strange how fast and sneakily the thoughts, behaviors, and actions slip back into my life unrecognized after treatment. If you are wondering I never completed treatment, I moved. In fact, during treatment I got much worse because we began treating my PTSD which made me completely loose my mind to say the least...

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Soooo, strangely enough my dad kept pressuring me to eat today at work which really irritated me because he's the one who told me to loose weight... My dad completely fucks me psychologically on a daily basis though, he either tells me how fat I am and how bad I look or how my makeup isn't right or my hair isn't perfect or I need to 'do something' about my face or that I'm too skinny and that I shouldn't do this and that and that I'm going to end up raped because I'm too pretty yadayadayyada...

I've been trying to look for other people who have eating disorder blogs through Blogger but I'm not having much luck :( soooo if you are reading this I'd appreciate some loveeeee here!!!!

<3 autumn

First Post

Hi, as you can tell this is my first post...

For the past couple of weeks life has been hellish. My parents are going through a very nasty divorce right now and I am responsible for taking care of my pill popping mom, my bipolar sister, my repressed depressed brother, and my alcoholic father not to mention myself. One may question why I have to take care of them and although I can answer this in an extremely complex manner the simple fact is due to my eating disorder behaviors I feel utterly responsible for them all and believe I am at fault for all of their issues.

Anyway, due to this crazy stress competing with work and school my eating disorder has reared its ugly head with a vengeance. I spent two years in treatment and although I can never say I was free of my eating disorder it did become manageable. Not anymore... during treatment I had to separate myself from ED and write out conversations between the 'two' of us. I found those conversations today and it made me realize how unknowingly far I have slipped back into my behaviors.

To begin I was diagnosed as anorexic but I had been bulimic for years prior to treatment. Throughout treatment I went back to bulimia, in hiding. I have been nonstop bulimic all throughout treatment and after it.

I do feel like I am currently rambling but the point is I began fasting again and overly exercising. I was paranoid that I haven't been eating yet I wasn't loosing any weight. I stood on the scale today and realized I lost 6 pounds! I was sooooo happy yet, at 9:15 tonight I ended up eating a sandwich which I wasn't suppose to eat...at all...so I had to purge...

Do you think this means I will gain weight now? UGHHHHH I'm freaking out!!! ahhhhhhhh!

Anyway even though I ended up eating I'm going to still continue my "fast". I'm fasting until Saturday then food Sunday then fast again until Wednesday...etc. My dad told me I should loose 25 pounds and I figure since I've lost 6 thus far the other 19 shouldn't be too hard to loose in a couple months.

By the way, I found an apartment and I'm moving mid November with my boyfriend so I can finally release some of this crazy responsibility and anxiety.

<3 autumn...