10.19.09

Okiedokie so I know I have not wrote in awhile... honestly, its because I'm so embarrassed. My behavior has been so outlandish but I must say I have thought of this blog obsessively everyday, wanting to say something but lacking the courage to do so...

My bulimia has spiraled even further out of control, I actually contemplated returning to treatment... I talked to the bf about it and he kinda blew it off and asked if I could wait like a month until after we are all moved in. I said okay but I thought to myself, holy shit I hope I'm not dead... I know that is scary but I have been throwing up at least once a day in combination with starvation, exercise, and laxatives for over 6 years and feel like my body may be crapping out on me. Anyway I'm up to over 4 times a day of b/p right now, not my worst but still it's killing me and OMG I have put on so much weight from it I can tell... The bf says I'm crazy and I look the same but I don't and I swear i gained it all in my a**and stomach :(

So the bf and I are suppose to officially move out on November 1st. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. Mostly because theres this guy that lives below us, he's one of my bf's best friends and he works with him... anyway heres the deal he's like 6'3 and weighs about as much as me! I swear he is so skinny I have never seen a guy this thin before, not even a girl in person... so of course I am constantly googly eye-ing him bc I freakin idolize him bc I have a sick mind. But I swear, omg he's soooo skinny and I can't help it. So I'm afraid I'm going to go crazy living there, worse than now lol because he obviously has a problem, we hangout all the time, and anyway he def has a severe problem and I want that problem back! ughhhh!

Anyway so today I received a wonderful little comment on one of my blogs (they are sent to my phone) and it really kinda kicked my butt into gear. I don't see the comment so I'm not sure if I accidentally rejected it but it said:

"x.Beauty.is.Pain.x
I hate knowing that other people know I'm purging too, but I'd be more upset letting it all sink in, and I can't not do it.hah. I did it four times this weekend, and theres no way it went unnoticed

Thats great that your bf is so sweet! :) I just finished reading all of your posts, and not to come off creepy, but you sound like a really awesome person! Stay strong! :)"

Beauty is Pain:
I apologize if you did not want that comment posted up but I want to thank you for taking the time to even read my blog! I understand and totally relate to the purging the trick is stopping! I hope you are having a better day and thank you for brightening my day! :) o and btw, its totally not creepy at all I read total blogs all the time and sometimes I feel like a stalker lol <3 style="font-weight: bold;">strawberry shortcake:
I must say I'm a little nervous contacting someone, I don't know what to say... I'm so paranoid all the time now ya know... I'm seeing a counselor on Sundays but she doesn't specialize in eating disorders (i did this on purpose) and I keep refusing to go to a person who does, begin treatment, or even acknowledge the abuse I am suppose to. I'm afraid ya know... I feel like emailing someone would be really beneficial but I just feel really lost and don't even know what to say... thank you for supporting me sweetie!!! I hope everything has been going well for you, I haven't had a chance to read the blogs I have missed out on these past couple weeks :( stay strong! <3 style="font-weight: bold;">throughtheraindrops:
I love love love your advice and I can totally relate to being basically knocked out for days... thats the hell of bulimia for sure. When I wake up I feel like I have been hit with a brick in the head and I am completely disoriented. I really wish I could scare myself into stopping... like for example last time I wrote I had begun puking blood every time I was purging which scared me for like 3 hours until I did it again... just so you know the bleeding has resolved itself but as you know, I am still b/p-ing like crazy :( Thank you so much for the advice, when I received this comment it got me through a day and as I'm sure you know, making it through one day is a miracle! much love! <3 style="font-weight: bold;">Claire:
Thank you!!!! How did your water fast go? Depending on how today goes if you would like to do one together, or rather anyone!!!, I would love to. Thanks for the comment girl and I hope everything goes 'swimmingly!' :)

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k, so later tonight I will post an update to see how my day went and whether or not I feel like I can manage a fast and even if I can't I would still like to pretend I can lol so, would anyone like to fast with me???

staystrong!
<3 autumn

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UPDATE: okay so my night kinda sucked, it was pretty typical, lots of binging and purging. the worst part of all of this is that my body is so tired of purging that it is gripping onto the food, I can't get everything up and pure acid is tearing my throat apart which makes it extremely difficult to trigger the release... idk what to do... I'm so sick of this and I realized that tonight I did everything out of habit rather than overwhelming loss of control. As bad as this sounds I am very much relieved to know this because now I know that I have moved over to habitual rather than uncontrollable. This means, I might be able to control it again. I'm planning on loosing 10 pounds within the next 2 to 3 weeks and then 10 more after I move in to my new place and then, maybe, I'll be happy. Also, I need a scale that works still but I have become pretty good at judging my weight from the way my pants fit and look...

So tomorrow I figure I'm going to start my new restriction plan, normally I like to do fasts for penance but I'm not going to torture my wilted bulimic soul until she is ready. Also I think I may begin to have some sort of breakfast in the morn bc then I don't have to eat lunch (my 3:00 binge! ugh) so heres the plan thus far:

Breakfast: 1 mini bagel - 100 cals
Large black coffee - 0 cals
Snack: G2 purple Gatorade - 0 cals
1 Glucose tablet - 5 cals
Lunch: 1 can Chicken Noodle Soup, Campbells - 150 cals
Large black coffee - 0 cals
Snack: G2 purple Gatorade - 0 cals
1 Glucose tablet if necessary (its bad to take these frequently but they work) - 5 cals
Dinner: Raw salad with steamed vegetables, no dressing - 200 cals
Diet Coke - 0 cals
Snack: Tea - 0 cals

TOTALS: 100+0+0+5+150+0+0+5+200+0+0 = 460 cals
This shouldn't be too bad and I have a constant intake and at least I won't be hungry I suppose. Also I would like to start adding my exercise back into my plan but I really have to be secret about it...

hope everyone had a wonderful night!
<3 autumn