So today has been absolutely no different then the rest of my days, all in and out in a blur. I worked. At a bagel. Couldn't purge, got pissed. At some gardetos and soup - purged, mostly acid. Pissed again. My friend came over, she brought tacos, I had meat. Really pissed - purged, throat burns, nose burns. I'm tired. I feel short of words. I feel hopeless, again.
I feel like writing but I feel void of words. I just want to type, to feel the tips of my fingers brush the keys in hopes of expression. Something, anything. Hopeless. Lost. Sad. Tired. Confused. Alone.
I need a new game plan. I have decided that I'm going to stop this fucking bulimia shit once and for all. (Pardon my language) I'm sick of it. So I'm going back to ana since I can't recover this is better. I don't have therapy this week, won't my therapist be surprised. I wonder if I will tell her. We don't really talk about my ED anymore. Doesn't that seem strange? Maybe she thinks I'm better because I'm a fucking whale... Even my bf notices I've gained, he says he has put on weight too but its different. I'm not allowed to. My dad has been making comments, so has another guy at work, and a customer this morning. It's all in "good humor" (bullshit) but I'm getting the picture. I don't have a scale but I must be 125 now... fuck. I can feel the fat. It's gross.
I've got a lot of homework for this weekend. I'm gonna fast until it is done. It shouldn't be too hard, I'm so freaking depressed I don't want to eat anyway and the only reason I have been is for show. Well fuck that I'm tired and purging isn't working because I don't have it in me anymore.
Ugh... I am so stressed. :( I think I will weigh myself at my mom's house tomorrow. I'll probably cry. But at least it will kick my ass into gear...somewhat. What really sucks is I'm fat. and... I'm still perpetually cold, and dizzy, and my vision blurs, and I get light headed, and my hair falls out, and my nails are blue but... IM FAT!!! This is what years of ED does to you, even when you are "healthy" you are not.
stay strong, I'm not :(
ps. sorry for cursing, I don't usually I'm just terribly pesimistic at this point.