10.19.09

Okiedokie so I know I have not wrote in awhile... honestly, its because I'm so embarrassed. My behavior has been so outlandish but I must say I have thought of this blog obsessively everyday, wanting to say something but lacking the courage to do so...

My bulimia has spiraled even further out of control, I actually contemplated returning to treatment... I talked to the bf about it and he kinda blew it off and asked if I could wait like a month until after we are all moved in. I said okay but I thought to myself, holy shit I hope I'm not dead... I know that is scary but I have been throwing up at least once a day in combination with starvation, exercise, and laxatives for over 6 years and feel like my body may be crapping out on me. Anyway I'm up to over 4 times a day of b/p right now, not my worst but still it's killing me and OMG I have put on so much weight from it I can tell... The bf says I'm crazy and I look the same but I don't and I swear i gained it all in my a**and stomach :(

So the bf and I are suppose to officially move out on November 1st. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. Mostly because theres this guy that lives below us, he's one of my bf's best friends and he works with him... anyway heres the deal he's like 6'3 and weighs about as much as me! I swear he is so skinny I have never seen a guy this thin before, not even a girl in person... so of course I am constantly googly eye-ing him bc I freakin idolize him bc I have a sick mind. But I swear, omg he's soooo skinny and I can't help it. So I'm afraid I'm going to go crazy living there, worse than now lol because he obviously has a problem, we hangout all the time, and anyway he def has a severe problem and I want that problem back! ughhhh!

Anyway so today I received a wonderful little comment on one of my blogs (they are sent to my phone) and it really kinda kicked my butt into gear. I don't see the comment so I'm not sure if I accidentally rejected it but it said:

"x.Beauty.is.Pain.x
I hate knowing that other people know I'm purging too, but I'd be more upset letting it all sink in, and I can't not do it.hah. I did it four times this weekend, and theres no way it went unnoticed

Thats great that your bf is so sweet! :) I just finished reading all of your posts, and not to come off creepy, but you sound like a really awesome person! Stay strong! :)"

Beauty is Pain:
I apologize if you did not want that comment posted up but I want to thank you for taking the time to even read my blog! I understand and totally relate to the purging the trick is stopping! I hope you are having a better day and thank you for brightening my day! :) o and btw, its totally not creepy at all I read total blogs all the time and sometimes I feel like a stalker lol <3 style="font-weight: bold;">strawberry shortcake:
I must say I'm a little nervous contacting someone, I don't know what to say... I'm so paranoid all the time now ya know... I'm seeing a counselor on Sundays but she doesn't specialize in eating disorders (i did this on purpose) and I keep refusing to go to a person who does, begin treatment, or even acknowledge the abuse I am suppose to. I'm afraid ya know... I feel like emailing someone would be really beneficial but I just feel really lost and don't even know what to say... thank you for supporting me sweetie!!! I hope everything has been going well for you, I haven't had a chance to read the blogs I have missed out on these past couple weeks :( stay strong! <3 style="font-weight: bold;">throughtheraindrops:
I love love love your advice and I can totally relate to being basically knocked out for days... thats the hell of bulimia for sure. When I wake up I feel like I have been hit with a brick in the head and I am completely disoriented. I really wish I could scare myself into stopping... like for example last time I wrote I had begun puking blood every time I was purging which scared me for like 3 hours until I did it again... just so you know the bleeding has resolved itself but as you know, I am still b/p-ing like crazy :( Thank you so much for the advice, when I received this comment it got me through a day and as I'm sure you know, making it through one day is a miracle! much love! <3 style="font-weight: bold;">Claire:
Thank you!!!! How did your water fast go? Depending on how today goes if you would like to do one together, or rather anyone!!!, I would love to. Thanks for the comment girl and I hope everything goes 'swimmingly!' :)

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k, so later tonight I will post an update to see how my day went and whether or not I feel like I can manage a fast and even if I can't I would still like to pretend I can lol so, would anyone like to fast with me???

staystrong!
<3 autumn

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UPDATE: okay so my night kinda sucked, it was pretty typical, lots of binging and purging. the worst part of all of this is that my body is so tired of purging that it is gripping onto the food, I can't get everything up and pure acid is tearing my throat apart which makes it extremely difficult to trigger the release... idk what to do... I'm so sick of this and I realized that tonight I did everything out of habit rather than overwhelming loss of control. As bad as this sounds I am very much relieved to know this because now I know that I have moved over to habitual rather than uncontrollable. This means, I might be able to control it again. I'm planning on loosing 10 pounds within the next 2 to 3 weeks and then 10 more after I move in to my new place and then, maybe, I'll be happy. Also, I need a scale that works still but I have become pretty good at judging my weight from the way my pants fit and look...

So tomorrow I figure I'm going to start my new restriction plan, normally I like to do fasts for penance but I'm not going to torture my wilted bulimic soul until she is ready. Also I think I may begin to have some sort of breakfast in the morn bc then I don't have to eat lunch (my 3:00 binge! ugh) so heres the plan thus far:

Breakfast: 1 mini bagel - 100 cals
Large black coffee - 0 cals
Snack: G2 purple Gatorade - 0 cals
1 Glucose tablet - 5 cals
Lunch: 1 can Chicken Noodle Soup, Campbells - 150 cals
Large black coffee - 0 cals
Snack: G2 purple Gatorade - 0 cals
1 Glucose tablet if necessary (its bad to take these frequently but they work) - 5 cals
Dinner: Raw salad with steamed vegetables, no dressing - 200 cals
Diet Coke - 0 cals
Snack: Tea - 0 cals

TOTALS: 100+0+0+5+150+0+0+5+200+0+0 = 460 cals
This shouldn't be too bad and I have a constant intake and at least I won't be hungry I suppose. Also I would like to start adding my exercise back into my plan but I really have to be secret about it...

hope everyone had a wonderful night!
<3 autumn

10.06.09

Okay this sucks because I haven't been able to write every night and I really use this as huge thinspiration but the bf has a big 12 pg paper due and he's been on my laptop for 3 days straight :(

Anyway things have been horrible lately I've been b/p non stop... i can't stop idk what to do...

So I keep telling myself no b/p-ing but I can't help it. And I'm not even binging anymore I'm just purging... everything... it's really getting out of control.

So today after work I decided not to go to class because I didn't feel well but really I just wanted to purge the 130 cals of trail mix I ate... this is what I'm talking about. I also had a yogurt parfait, no granola... purged that too. It's so hard to purge when there is hardly anything there... Also I went to Kohl's today and bought a cute watch and some new pants, size 1. Which would normally make me happy but I feel like a stuffed sausge or a canned sardine... My bf says they look nice but I think that's bc they are tight... I guess I would be happier if I actually looked like a size 1 but I don't, I have huge hips and a giant butt and tree trunk thighs, etc.

I actually think I may be going crazy from all of this lol. Anyway so the plan for tomorrow is to just not eat so that I don't have to purge because my body is killing me right now. On the plus side my stomach, throat, roof of my mouth, and hand are killing me so bad I'm hoping it will diswad me from eating.

Okiedokie the boy needs the computer again. Sorry it was a depressing update hopefully good news tomorrow.
Much love,

<3 autumn

10.04.09

Sorry I haven't written in a couple days, weekends are busy :(

Anyway so Friday didn't turn out so well. I decided I would eat so I had a salad. But then I felt guilty...and I was at work so I raced home after work but it was too late and I couldn't get hardly anything up. So then the bf shows up all dressed up and cute and handsome and says 'I just got an $800 check and I want to take you out somewhere nice' it was so romantic but now I'm freaking because I have to eat dinner. ugh...so at dinner I look over the menu about 10,000 times and there is nothing absolutely F**KING NOTHING I can eat so I have no choice but to bite the bullet and 'binge' (eat like a normal person' so I got a fish sandwich which was outstanding but I was getting ready to burst by the time we got home but thankfully we were home in time for me to get it all up... but still I was pissed about that day so I told myself no food Saturday.

Saturday at work my dad starts trying to shove food down my throat again and I'm getting mad and he's b*tching at me for drinking too much water (we have one of those big water jugs at work and I drank 3/4 of the jug this week by myself, which I was proud of...he wasn't amused) regardless, I was upset about the day before and then my dad was absolutely hell at work telling me how I don't eat enough and I'm not strong enough and my hair looks like sh*t and that he hates my makeup, etc. So after work I decided that since I was going to be home alone...I would binge (MISTAKE) but I was overwhelmed... so I ate chinese food then puked my brains out and passed out. well I happend to forget my crazy fat friend and her bf were coming over that night so at 5 pm, SUPRISE! my bf pulls me out of bed and they are there. Grrrreeaaat. and of course, she wants dinner, wonderful! and she wants cheese fries from culvers, spectacular! So the boys went to get us food and I asked for a salad which he got plus a 2 scoop turtle sundae (my fav binge food ugh) --my bf is so very sweet and he is always doing wonderful little things for me but I really just couldn't handle this-- So I had already been playing off the fact that my stomach was upset so I didn't feel like drinking and when they showed up with food I took a couple bites of the salad and said I was saving it for later and then ate the toppings of the turtle sundae and then said my stomach hurt and i needed to go to the bathroom and puked... everybody knew but I didn't care at that point... so when they left I was pretty much completely retreated into myself. My bf, slightly drunk, rubbed my back and stayed the night. (he is so sweet)

So I woke up this morning and said, NO FOOD! but of course its the weekend and I'm sad so I ate some combos... but a strange thing happened when I went to the bathroom to puke, I stood in front of the mirror and realized that my legs don't touch anymore. That's weird... idk when it happened, I never noticed they always look so huge to me so I just stood there and stared for awhile then after I purged, it went back to being fat again... I could still see they didn't touch but they were huge like tree trunks... but still, when did they stop touching? how come I never noticed? I guess I'm so flabergasted bc just yesterday I was wishing that my legs didn't touch and they wouldn't be so fat, etc. and I had no idea that they actually didn't... honestly idk what to think about this, I think my mind is playing tricks on me.

hope everyone had a wonderful weekend,
maybe more later I need a nap right now...

much love,
autumn...

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okay just a mini update, since this weekend has been so hard and filled with tons and tons of b/p I'm going to make a new rule. If I fast (300 cals or less) all week then I'll allow myself to have my b/p day on Saturday. My bf tried to bribe me, he said that if I could go 1 month with out b/p-ing he'd let me go on a $1000 shopping spree! Which of course sounds wonderful, but I started crying because I can't even go one day with out purging... and of course he's like is there anything more important than this? And I have to tell him honestly from behind a tear stained face, no...

anyway... point is, I'm going to fast tomorrow as punishment for today because I just ate like 5 servings of mini rice cakes (250 cals) and instead of purging like I should I'm just going to pass out...

goodnight darlings,
<3 autumn

10.01.09

Happy OCTOBER everyone!

So small note before the normal big blog tonight, I feel guilty :(

Okay so here's what happened, I was in class today at 2 PM and I had already drank my 60 oz of water but my stomach was growling which wasn't actually bothering me, i was enjoying it for once :) but some girl made a comment and so I said ya I'm a little hungry and then she tried to give me a KitKat bar which I was like HELLLLL NO!!! of course I didn't say that but I said, 'o no that's okay I have some peanuts' so I ate those elusive peanuts that have been in my purse for weeks :(:(:( 330 cals!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMGGGG!!!! ugh so I was so pissed and felt so guilty and I came home and threw up the peanuts but it was hard and really took a lot out of me so now I want to sleep but I wont burn as many cals then. Also I took 5 lax...

Okiedokie that's enough for now, I'll write later.
Thanks to my two lovely ladies and their thoughtful encouraging words!!!
<3

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Kay, big blog time :)

Okay, don't let the smiley face fool you, I had a terrible night/evening. So here's the deal, I'm not suppose to take laxs at all, not even one because I used to be severely addicted to them and they completely crashed my system and ultimately were the reason I was caught the first time. Regardless, my stupid a** thought it would be okay to take them... just once the other day... and maybe today. (see this is how it starts i keep allowing myself even though I know I'll end up in the hospital!) anyway so today idk if I O.D.-ed on the lax or not very possible but regardless I had a very bad reaction.

I decided to sleep through the cramps while waiting and I awoke to stomach pains (usual) then I went into the bathroom and began getting dizzy and feeling very nauseous. Then, I broke out into an intense cold sweat and began shaking uncontrollably. I began dry heaving into the trash until acid began to come up. I couldn't stop. I couldn't even breathe and so i start to panic. I grabbed my phone and called my mom between sputtering and told her I was extremely sick and needed water fast and that she'd have to break into the bathroom. She was there in about 10 sec. flat. By this point I'm am coughing blood, shaking, freezing, sweating, sh*ting quarts of water, and dizzy.

So basically, I have learned my lesson for now. Even so though ED tells me I just took to much this time and it will be okay next time so I will say this now, IF I SAY I'M THINKING ABOUT TAKING LAXATIVES PLEASE TELL ME NO!!!!!!!

Also, if you are thinking about trying laxatives or using them just remember my terrible experiences plus, I have to stay up all night now even though I have to work open to close tomorrow.

Other than that I'm contemplating telling my bf I started taking laxs again so that maybe he can stop me but I'm not sure... I don't want to because it's my secret but at the same time I know that I can't trust myself and I still have half a box not even including my Epsom salt...

Okiedokie I hope everyone had a super spectacular skinny day!
Love to all!

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Intake:
122 oz. water: 0 cals
24 oz. black coffee: 0 cals
1 bag of peanuts: 330 cals
---Purge/Laxatives---
48 oz. chamomile tea

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P.S.
I was unaware that peanuts burn belly fat! Thanks for the tip!!! :)