4.10.10

I haven't written in a long time. Seems to grow farther and farther apart each time I can write. I'm not sure if I can attribute this to depression or not, I want to. Certainly I am depressed... it seems to be growing, the depression that is. I have become overwhelmed and consumed with it.

The bf was cheating on me... which is depressing in itself but my parents are still trying to divorce and its really bad. I am in the middle... I work for my dad and my mom doesn't have a car right now so I'm chauffeuring her around everywhere. My brother has become extremely sexist... like really bad. He is intentionally cruel and it is really cutting me deep, he was my baby, he was my everything, I protected him... now he just wants to hurt me.

I'm fatter than hell. When I found out the bf was cheating on me I stopped eating, lost 12 pounds in one week (a record) but it was just misery until bulimia kicked in... now it has consumed my life again. Binging and purging... day in and day out, every free moment. It's all I can think about right now and I'm so disgusted with myself, which is why I'm writing. The other problem is I don't have internet at my place so if I do want to write, I gotta do it at my mom's.

I'm not sure if it's the depression but all of the everyday sexism is really getting under my skin lately. I can't handle it, it makes me want to cry. I hate the constant judgment and comments. I hate our language, and I hate myself for living within rigid gender rules.

I feel like I'm floating... except I'm too heavy so really I'm just sinking.

Btw, all the weight I lost came back with bulimia... of course.

Still don't know what to do about the bf, I want to forgive him because I love him but I'm scared. The problem is we've been together for 4 years, we live together, we have a dog and cat, he's in the military, and I'm alone without him...

He told me he has to loose 30 pounds before he leaves for boot camp this summer, which means I'll loose weight too... which is good I suppose.

You know he has no faith in me, it kind of upsets me. He says he's worried about when he leaves this summer because he thinks I'll just wither away. Maybe I will, but I doubt it. He's not the one who makes me eat, I am. But it makes me so angry that he thinks he has such POWER over me. In all honesty I was happy he was going to leave for awhile so I could secretly starve but if I do that will just prove him right. Which is stupid. But I don't want him to think he has any power or control over me, only I do.

So on another note, I'm becoming a vegan. I've already been a vegetarian without realizing it for awhile lol. But I have so many stomach problems now from the years of ED that I think becoming vegan will be easier on my tummy.
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ugh...

I'm so depressed. I feel like... nothing. weight. time. fail.