So today has been absolutely no different then the rest of my days, all in and out in a blur. I worked. At a bagel. Couldn't purge, got pissed. At some gardetos and soup - purged, mostly acid. Pissed again. My friend came over, she brought tacos, I had meat. Really pissed - purged, throat burns, nose burns. I'm tired. I feel short of words. I feel hopeless, again.
I feel like writing but I feel void of words. I just want to type, to feel the tips of my fingers brush the keys in hopes of expression. Something, anything. Hopeless. Lost. Sad. Tired. Confused. Alone.
I need a new game plan. I have decided that I'm going to stop this fucking bulimia shit once and for all. (Pardon my language) I'm sick of it. So I'm going back to ana since I can't recover this is better. I don't have therapy this week, won't my therapist be surprised. I wonder if I will tell her. We don't really talk about my ED anymore. Doesn't that seem strange? Maybe she thinks I'm better because I'm a fucking whale... Even my bf notices I've gained, he says he has put on weight too but its different. I'm not allowed to. My dad has been making comments, so has another guy at work, and a customer this morning. It's all in "good humor" (bullshit) but I'm getting the picture. I don't have a scale but I must be 125 now... fuck. I can feel the fat. It's gross.
I've got a lot of homework for this weekend. I'm gonna fast until it is done. It shouldn't be too hard, I'm so freaking depressed I don't want to eat anyway and the only reason I have been is for show. Well fuck that I'm tired and purging isn't working because I don't have it in me anymore.
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Ugh... I am so stressed. :( I think I will weigh myself at my mom's house tomorrow. I'll probably cry. But at least it will kick my ass into gear...somewhat. What really sucks is I'm fat. and... I'm still perpetually cold, and dizzy, and my vision blurs, and I get light headed, and my hair falls out, and my nails are blue but... IM FAT!!! This is what years of ED does to you, even when you are "healthy" you are not.
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stay strong, I'm not :(
* autumn
ps. sorry for cursing, I don't usually I'm just terribly pesimistic at this point.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
12.03.09
Haven' written in awhile. I moved into my new apartment with my boyfriend about a month ago and I just recently discovered I could tap into my neighbors internet :) I love the apartment, I love the town, I love my bf, I love my new puppy, and I love my kitty...but I am still unfortunately utterly and inescapably miserable in all aspects of my life.
I'm fat. Not a big surprise. Things have gotten much worse since we moved in. The first two weeks I kinda just stopped eating without realizing it and then my therapist said something, she said I looked terrible...grey...and she was worried about me. She asked me if I lost weight...the sad thing is I don't even know if I actually did, I still don't have a scale. As you can imagine this is driving me insane!!!!
So I was talking to my coke-head neighbors today and they said they were having problems with fruit flies, and I am too, as well as my other 2 neighbors...and she said it started about a month ago. i.e. when I moved in. Which makes me nervous that my --unmentionables-- are being caught in the drain. So I'm thinking about putting drano down it but I don't think you are suppose to do that to the toilet, the problem is...it's not like I can just stop ya know.
So I took a depression test and it said that I have Major Depressive Disorder...so I think I may start medication. I don't really want to but I feel like maybe it will help me stop b/p because that is happening fairly frequently now a days. :(
I don't know how to explain how I feel right now, I feel numb but sad. Like I want to break down and cry yet pound the walls and scream on the top of my lungs...yet, nothing is still all I feel. I've never thought of death before but now I am. Not suicide but just pondering death. That is strange. I feel so broken. Hopeless. Unmistakably unfixable. I've stopped have sex. It hasn't became an issue yet with the bf because he is working so much he just crashes when he is home and we work opposite shifts yet, eventually he will notice. I tried at first, because we should be happy we finally have our own place but he pushed me away. I think that triggered me bad. A simple unspoken push and it pushed me to the edge. I took my anxiety medication tonight, I haven't had to do that in a long while...but I feel on the verge of constant panic. I try to tell myself not to think about it but that makes it worse. I still didn't take it even then but I began shaking...bad shaking, uncontrollable I couldn't even take a drink and then I saw my neighbors all doped up. They were both passing out on eachother and it disgusted me but it made me crave that peace...even brief. I'm not sleeping again. But I'm exhausted. I feel so fat right now. I feel fatter than I have ever been in my life. It is making me so miserable, I feel so utterly hopeless and I feel like my excuses run thin, they have been used too often and I can't escape the inevatable curse of "needing" to feed.
I feel so dead inside. I know that is terribly morbid but...
Also I have recently become more aware of persons interactions with me, I work in a terribly sexist enviornment and now what I see, tears pieces of me. My bf said he doesn't like it when I talk to him or ask him questions anymore because I'm an "intellecutal" which really means, I don't care. and I don't want to hear it. and you do not have a valued opinion. I don't know, maybe I'm exaggerating, but maybe not. Is that not what all women do for the men that hurt them, find a way to excuse the pain.
Whatever.
Honestly, I don't care. I just see it. It bothers me, I wish I didn't see it.
Hopefully I will be able to continue writing again now,
Thanks for listening.
------
------
------
saddness creeps over like the shadow eclispe that swallows the sky.
you gasp for air,
one satisfying breath,
its bitterness stains your tounge.
The lonliness of your simple numbing aroma surrounds your dulling mind
and you are left speechless in its hollow silent darkness.
I'm fat. Not a big surprise. Things have gotten much worse since we moved in. The first two weeks I kinda just stopped eating without realizing it and then my therapist said something, she said I looked terrible...grey...and she was worried about me. She asked me if I lost weight...the sad thing is I don't even know if I actually did, I still don't have a scale. As you can imagine this is driving me insane!!!!
So I was talking to my coke-head neighbors today and they said they were having problems with fruit flies, and I am too, as well as my other 2 neighbors...and she said it started about a month ago. i.e. when I moved in. Which makes me nervous that my --unmentionables-- are being caught in the drain. So I'm thinking about putting drano down it but I don't think you are suppose to do that to the toilet, the problem is...it's not like I can just stop ya know.
So I took a depression test and it said that I have Major Depressive Disorder...so I think I may start medication. I don't really want to but I feel like maybe it will help me stop b/p because that is happening fairly frequently now a days. :(
I don't know how to explain how I feel right now, I feel numb but sad. Like I want to break down and cry yet pound the walls and scream on the top of my lungs...yet, nothing is still all I feel. I've never thought of death before but now I am. Not suicide but just pondering death. That is strange. I feel so broken. Hopeless. Unmistakably unfixable. I've stopped have sex. It hasn't became an issue yet with the bf because he is working so much he just crashes when he is home and we work opposite shifts yet, eventually he will notice. I tried at first, because we should be happy we finally have our own place but he pushed me away. I think that triggered me bad. A simple unspoken push and it pushed me to the edge. I took my anxiety medication tonight, I haven't had to do that in a long while...but I feel on the verge of constant panic. I try to tell myself not to think about it but that makes it worse. I still didn't take it even then but I began shaking...bad shaking, uncontrollable I couldn't even take a drink and then I saw my neighbors all doped up. They were both passing out on eachother and it disgusted me but it made me crave that peace...even brief. I'm not sleeping again. But I'm exhausted. I feel so fat right now. I feel fatter than I have ever been in my life. It is making me so miserable, I feel so utterly hopeless and I feel like my excuses run thin, they have been used too often and I can't escape the inevatable curse of "needing" to feed.
I feel so dead inside. I know that is terribly morbid but...
Also I have recently become more aware of persons interactions with me, I work in a terribly sexist enviornment and now what I see, tears pieces of me. My bf said he doesn't like it when I talk to him or ask him questions anymore because I'm an "intellecutal" which really means, I don't care. and I don't want to hear it. and you do not have a valued opinion. I don't know, maybe I'm exaggerating, but maybe not. Is that not what all women do for the men that hurt them, find a way to excuse the pain.
Whatever.
Honestly, I don't care. I just see it. It bothers me, I wish I didn't see it.
Hopefully I will be able to continue writing again now,
Thanks for listening.
------
------
------
saddness creeps over like the shadow eclispe that swallows the sky.
you gasp for air,
one satisfying breath,
its bitterness stains your tounge.
The lonliness of your simple numbing aroma surrounds your dulling mind
and you are left speechless in its hollow silent darkness.
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