7.04.10

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!!!!

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Okay now that I have praised the fourth, on to business!
Thus far since my man has left (12 days) I have lost 10 pds, then gained 3 pds on a binge... then lost 2 again. So I am 9 pds less than when he was here. I have come to the realization that it is extremely lonely without him, I'm super depressed and I have absolutely nothing left to do other than starve... so I will.

So before he left we both binged like crazy etc etc.

SW: 130
CW: 121
GW1: 110
GW2: 100
GW3: 95

I plan on loosing at least 20 pds by the time he gets back. He probably won't be happy but at this point I don't care. It's either this or start cutting. And at least with this I'll look better.

So I haven't ate in 2 days right now and probably won't again until maybe wednesday or thursday. I'm hoping to be 115 by upcoming saturday. Shouldn't be too hard because I'm working out again too.
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O the other thing I need to do is figure out how to calibrate my scale or buy a new one because I know mine is wrong... so all my weights are off of that scale but I know its between 3 and 6 pds above actual weight.... shouldn't matter but it does to me because... im crazy lol

So both my therapists noticed I lost weight and are freaking out... I told them not to worry but I'm kinda worried wtf is going to happen if they continue to notice... its hard to wear layers and baggy clothes in the summer ya know!!!!

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anyway good luck to all. I'm gonna buy a camera to send pics to the boy while he's away so maybe I can post pics.
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:D

06.28.10

Life is falling apart right now.
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I haven't written in forever because I was semi happy for awhile... My boy left for the military 6 days ago. He won't be back till november.

Since he's been gone I've already lost 9 pounds... I was getting healthy... semi healthy. at least I was maintaining my weight. Now I've just stopped eating and I've begun obsessing again.

He is going to freak when he gets back if I don't stop loosing weight but the sad thing is I want to. I can't help it. It's all I think about.... ughhhh.

anyway thats all I had to say is that I'm loosing weight again.
happy thoughts!

4.10.10

I haven't written in a long time. Seems to grow farther and farther apart each time I can write. I'm not sure if I can attribute this to depression or not, I want to. Certainly I am depressed... it seems to be growing, the depression that is. I have become overwhelmed and consumed with it.

The bf was cheating on me... which is depressing in itself but my parents are still trying to divorce and its really bad. I am in the middle... I work for my dad and my mom doesn't have a car right now so I'm chauffeuring her around everywhere. My brother has become extremely sexist... like really bad. He is intentionally cruel and it is really cutting me deep, he was my baby, he was my everything, I protected him... now he just wants to hurt me.

I'm fatter than hell. When I found out the bf was cheating on me I stopped eating, lost 12 pounds in one week (a record) but it was just misery until bulimia kicked in... now it has consumed my life again. Binging and purging... day in and day out, every free moment. It's all I can think about right now and I'm so disgusted with myself, which is why I'm writing. The other problem is I don't have internet at my place so if I do want to write, I gotta do it at my mom's.

I'm not sure if it's the depression but all of the everyday sexism is really getting under my skin lately. I can't handle it, it makes me want to cry. I hate the constant judgment and comments. I hate our language, and I hate myself for living within rigid gender rules.

I feel like I'm floating... except I'm too heavy so really I'm just sinking.

Btw, all the weight I lost came back with bulimia... of course.

Still don't know what to do about the bf, I want to forgive him because I love him but I'm scared. The problem is we've been together for 4 years, we live together, we have a dog and cat, he's in the military, and I'm alone without him...

He told me he has to loose 30 pounds before he leaves for boot camp this summer, which means I'll loose weight too... which is good I suppose.

You know he has no faith in me, it kind of upsets me. He says he's worried about when he leaves this summer because he thinks I'll just wither away. Maybe I will, but I doubt it. He's not the one who makes me eat, I am. But it makes me so angry that he thinks he has such POWER over me. In all honesty I was happy he was going to leave for awhile so I could secretly starve but if I do that will just prove him right. Which is stupid. But I don't want him to think he has any power or control over me, only I do.

So on another note, I'm becoming a vegan. I've already been a vegetarian without realizing it for awhile lol. But I have so many stomach problems now from the years of ED that I think becoming vegan will be easier on my tummy.
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ugh...

I'm so depressed. I feel like... nothing. weight. time. fail.

2.11.10

Well hello my lovely ana! I have missed you intensely!
:)

Okay so I have dyed my hair red! It's awesome! I thought I would hate it, because I have never done anything with my hair before but turns out I love it!

Also, the bf is enlisting in the military... He is being swore in tomorrow and he is staying in milwaukee through friday. Also my sister ran away... so I've been depressed but the positive thing is I am super fueled for ana. I realized how much weight I have put on through my attempted recovery over the past couple years... never actually recovered but gained a good 20 pds! wtf!!!!!

anyways so I'm going to go visit my sister who is staying with my bff from grade school and we were always super competitive, she was always thinner than me. My sister tells me that we are around the same size right now but by the time spring break is here I should be able to loose 20 pds or so, it just depends on C. But he's leaving for basic training for 2 months over the summer so I'll be alone...I'll probably go crazy but I'll be thin I'm sure.

I really wanted to take laxatives today...C has been gone 1 night and I already wanna take lax. unbelievable. I didn't though. should have. but I didn't because I have to open at work tommorow and work 8 hours and yeah...that sucks

neway so I had 490 cals today... more than I want but a good start I suppose. I'm going to start at 300 cals and after I loose 10 pds I may bump it up to 500 or 600. Honestly its not that hard to eat nothing when you don't have food in your apartment and you are broke and don't buy food! story of my life! the only reason I got food today is because I'm at my mom's and she had chicken dumpling soup - it was ok... prob gonna purge it though.

well I'm taking a bath and then I'm gonna purge - then sleep. good luck to all!
<3

1.25.10

It's been a long while since I have posted something. Happy New Year! I wish I could say it is indeed happy... Although, I have started taking antidepressants... I've lost 10 pds so far... I feel 15 pds heavier... I've already had to go back to my doc for the check up, this med has a side effect of weight loss and considering my "history" my doc is keeping serious tabs on me so as many of you know, nurses...kinda dumb...they don't know the tricks. I went after school, I drank water...a lot...I wore knee high 5 inch wedge boots, 3 jackets, a hoodie and kept my keys in my pocket, it gave me an extra 9 pounds...

I probably shouldn't of done that, but my doc was happy and said I don't have to see her for another 3 months... I've started classes again and I am becoming more and more obssessed with my weight again. I had somewhat, to my perception recovered... if you can call it that, I do. It was the best I've been in probably 7 years. I wasn't happy though, I'm never happy. Isn't that sad...

Happiness scares me... How can you be controlled with such a complete emotional response?

....

I have homework.

I'm distracted...ughhhh. I wanna write, but I can't.
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blah.

<3 autumn
"the personal is political" - Carol Hanisch

12.05.09

So today has been absolutely no different then the rest of my days, all in and out in a blur. I worked. At a bagel. Couldn't purge, got pissed. At some gardetos and soup - purged, mostly acid. Pissed again. My friend came over, she brought tacos, I had meat. Really pissed - purged, throat burns, nose burns. I'm tired. I feel short of words. I feel hopeless, again.

I feel like writing but I feel void of words. I just want to type, to feel the tips of my fingers brush the keys in hopes of expression. Something, anything. Hopeless. Lost. Sad. Tired. Confused. Alone.

I need a new game plan. I have decided that I'm going to stop this fucking bulimia shit once and for all. (Pardon my language) I'm sick of it. So I'm going back to ana since I can't recover this is better. I don't have therapy this week, won't my therapist be surprised. I wonder if I will tell her. We don't really talk about my ED anymore. Doesn't that seem strange? Maybe she thinks I'm better because I'm a fucking whale... Even my bf notices I've gained, he says he has put on weight too but its different. I'm not allowed to. My dad has been making comments, so has another guy at work, and a customer this morning. It's all in "good humor" (bullshit) but I'm getting the picture. I don't have a scale but I must be 125 now... fuck. I can feel the fat. It's gross.

I've got a lot of homework for this weekend. I'm gonna fast until it is done. It shouldn't be too hard, I'm so freaking depressed I don't want to eat anyway and the only reason I have been is for show. Well fuck that I'm tired and purging isn't working because I don't have it in me anymore.

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Ugh... I am so stressed. :( I think I will weigh myself at my mom's house tomorrow. I'll probably cry. But at least it will kick my ass into gear...somewhat. What really sucks is I'm fat. and... I'm still perpetually cold, and dizzy, and my vision blurs, and I get light headed, and my hair falls out, and my nails are blue but... IM FAT!!! This is what years of ED does to you, even when you are "healthy" you are not.

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stay strong, I'm not :(
* autumn
ps. sorry for cursing, I don't usually I'm just terribly pesimistic at this point.

12.03.09

Haven' written in awhile. I moved into my new apartment with my boyfriend about a month ago and I just recently discovered I could tap into my neighbors internet :) I love the apartment, I love the town, I love my bf, I love my new puppy, and I love my kitty...but I am still unfortunately utterly and inescapably miserable in all aspects of my life.

I'm fat. Not a big surprise. Things have gotten much worse since we moved in. The first two weeks I kinda just stopped eating without realizing it and then my therapist said something, she said I looked terrible...grey...and she was worried about me. She asked me if I lost weight...the sad thing is I don't even know if I actually did, I still don't have a scale. As you can imagine this is driving me insane!!!!

So I was talking to my coke-head neighbors today and they said they were having problems with fruit flies, and I am too, as well as my other 2 neighbors...and she said it started about a month ago. i.e. when I moved in. Which makes me nervous that my --unmentionables-- are being caught in the drain. So I'm thinking about putting drano down it but I don't think you are suppose to do that to the toilet, the problem is...it's not like I can just stop ya know.

So I took a depression test and it said that I have Major Depressive Disorder...so I think I may start medication. I don't really want to but I feel like maybe it will help me stop b/p because that is happening fairly frequently now a days. :(

I don't know how to explain how I feel right now, I feel numb but sad. Like I want to break down and cry yet pound the walls and scream on the top of my lungs...yet, nothing is still all I feel. I've never thought of death before but now I am. Not suicide but just pondering death. That is strange. I feel so broken. Hopeless. Unmistakably unfixable. I've stopped have sex. It hasn't became an issue yet with the bf because he is working so much he just crashes when he is home and we work opposite shifts yet, eventually he will notice. I tried at first, because we should be happy we finally have our own place but he pushed me away. I think that triggered me bad. A simple unspoken push and it pushed me to the edge. I took my anxiety medication tonight, I haven't had to do that in a long while...but I feel on the verge of constant panic. I try to tell myself not to think about it but that makes it worse. I still didn't take it even then but I began shaking...bad shaking, uncontrollable I couldn't even take a drink and then I saw my neighbors all doped up. They were both passing out on eachother and it disgusted me but it made me crave that peace...even brief. I'm not sleeping again. But I'm exhausted. I feel so fat right now. I feel fatter than I have ever been in my life. It is making me so miserable, I feel so utterly hopeless and I feel like my excuses run thin, they have been used too often and I can't escape the inevatable curse of "needing" to feed.

I feel so dead inside. I know that is terribly morbid but...

Also I have recently become more aware of persons interactions with me, I work in a terribly sexist enviornment and now what I see, tears pieces of me. My bf said he doesn't like it when I talk to him or ask him questions anymore because I'm an "intellecutal" which really means, I don't care. and I don't want to hear it. and you do not have a valued opinion. I don't know, maybe I'm exaggerating, but maybe not. Is that not what all women do for the men that hurt them, find a way to excuse the pain.

Whatever.

Honestly, I don't care. I just see it. It bothers me, I wish I didn't see it.

Hopefully I will be able to continue writing again now,
Thanks for listening.

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saddness creeps over like the shadow eclispe that swallows the sky.
you gasp for air,
one satisfying breath,
its bitterness stains your tounge.
The lonliness of your simple numbing aroma surrounds your dulling mind
and you are left speechless in its hollow silent darkness.